I'm feeling frustration tonight. I expressed displeasure over something to a new friend, of course not thinking about the fact that said new friend isn't like my old friends. New Friend is a wonderful person. I enjoy her company, I like being around her. But I just felt dismissed when I expressed my displeasure over a certain topic. It wasn't that she wasn't listening. It wasn't that she was trying to be mean or hurtful. But so have someone tell me that I have no reason to be displeased over something when I am feels really crappy, especially now that I know I have a choice in making up my own mind. My old friends probably would have reached the same conclusion as new friend, but I would have felt heard. That they understood that while they disagreed with my thoughts, that they are still my thoughts and feelings and that I have the right to feel them.
It's left me feeling crappy and sad and missing my old friends. I should call some of them tomorrow.
11.10.2008
11.05.2008
How important is it?
Two posts in one day!
I love taking showers. Besides that whole hygiene thing, it's a great time for me to think with little distraction.
I've been obsessing over something thats been annoying me now for at least a week, probably more. Tonight in the shower the thought came to me: How important is it? Really, it isn't. The end result in either direction probably won't matter very much. I might get ridiculed a tad bit, but I'll know that it isn't actually my fault (this is that part that I've been obsessing over). Thank you Al-Anon for giving me back shreds of my sanity and serenity.
I love taking showers. Besides that whole hygiene thing, it's a great time for me to think with little distraction.
I've been obsessing over something thats been annoying me now for at least a week, probably more. Tonight in the shower the thought came to me: How important is it? Really, it isn't. The end result in either direction probably won't matter very much. I might get ridiculed a tad bit, but I'll know that it isn't actually my fault (this is that part that I've been obsessing over). Thank you Al-Anon for giving me back shreds of my sanity and serenity.
thoughts on voting
Well, you can see how well NaBloWriMo ended for me. Much like many of my other wonderful ideas.
Breaking my anonymity just a little: I am an American citizen. I got to vote yesterday and was quite excited to watch election coverage all evening. But this also leaves me a bit sad, but probably not in the way many of you might expect (I'm not even sure I have readers to be honest!). Al-Anon has taught me to look at other people in a different way than I used to. While I still have problems in groups making decisions based on substantial unanimity, I know it's the right thing to do. I realize that it will be a rare moment that everyone in a large group can be pleased with a decision, but to have everyone in a group know that they have been heard and that others have thought over the position of the opposition has become more and more important to me. I love in area meetings when things get mulled over and nothing is rushed into (Rarely is anything urgent important, and rarely is anything important urgent comes to mind). I love that I can speak up at area meetings and have people respect that I might have a different opinion than them. I also like that we try to reach decisions based on what is best for the group, not the individual.
And that is why I think I have such a hard time with national politics. I tend to cast my vote based on what I think is best for the country. Thankfully it's usually what I hope will be best for me, but national politics isn't about me, it's about the entire country. So it really pains me to see so many people think only about themselves when they enter the voting booth. It also pains me to see people not be respectful of others and their choices. I respect that people have the right in this country to vote differently than I do, and I encourage it in the respect that if everyone thought like me we'd be screwed.
While I am mostly happy with many of the results from yesterday (and I'm not going to be more specific than that, because my politics don't matter in Al-Anon), I'm left disappointed that there are still large numbers of people in this country that don't respect that others want to live their lives in their own way. In Al-Anon, it would be like telling everyone they had to do the steps the same way and that they had to interpret the traditions and concepts the same way. It would be all meetings having the exact same format. What works for some individuals and groups doesn't work for others, and I wish more Americans would learn that their beliefs aren't necessarily what is best for others.
Breaking my anonymity just a little: I am an American citizen. I got to vote yesterday and was quite excited to watch election coverage all evening. But this also leaves me a bit sad, but probably not in the way many of you might expect (I'm not even sure I have readers to be honest!). Al-Anon has taught me to look at other people in a different way than I used to. While I still have problems in groups making decisions based on substantial unanimity, I know it's the right thing to do. I realize that it will be a rare moment that everyone in a large group can be pleased with a decision, but to have everyone in a group know that they have been heard and that others have thought over the position of the opposition has become more and more important to me. I love in area meetings when things get mulled over and nothing is rushed into (Rarely is anything urgent important, and rarely is anything important urgent comes to mind). I love that I can speak up at area meetings and have people respect that I might have a different opinion than them. I also like that we try to reach decisions based on what is best for the group, not the individual.
And that is why I think I have such a hard time with national politics. I tend to cast my vote based on what I think is best for the country. Thankfully it's usually what I hope will be best for me, but national politics isn't about me, it's about the entire country. So it really pains me to see so many people think only about themselves when they enter the voting booth. It also pains me to see people not be respectful of others and their choices. I respect that people have the right in this country to vote differently than I do, and I encourage it in the respect that if everyone thought like me we'd be screwed.
While I am mostly happy with many of the results from yesterday (and I'm not going to be more specific than that, because my politics don't matter in Al-Anon), I'm left disappointed that there are still large numbers of people in this country that don't respect that others want to live their lives in their own way. In Al-Anon, it would be like telling everyone they had to do the steps the same way and that they had to interpret the traditions and concepts the same way. It would be all meetings having the exact same format. What works for some individuals and groups doesn't work for others, and I wish more Americans would learn that their beliefs aren't necessarily what is best for others.
10.21.2008
checking in, part 2
i haz a tyrd
Still feeling grouchy. Still isolating. Still don't feel like talking to any one about anything. The blessing tonight was that I actually did get some work done. Not enough, but more than I have been lately. Hopefully I can be grumpy enough for the next week and a half to get my big project done so I can start in on my next one. I hate when I put big things off. At least I'm starting now, and not next week.
I think I need to make a more concerted effort to teach my cat boundaries. He's been driving me nuts lately, but I've also been letting him drive me nuts. He does the same thing, and I let him. Or rather, I very inconsistently let him know that what he's doing isn't ok with me (trying to lay in my lap onto the keyboard as I type this is a great example). I guess it takes a special needs owner to understand a special needs cat.
With that, I think attempting to get some sleep tonight is the next right thing that is in my best interest. After turning off this computer.
Still feeling grouchy. Still isolating. Still don't feel like talking to any one about anything. The blessing tonight was that I actually did get some work done. Not enough, but more than I have been lately. Hopefully I can be grumpy enough for the next week and a half to get my big project done so I can start in on my next one. I hate when I put big things off. At least I'm starting now, and not next week.
I think I need to make a more concerted effort to teach my cat boundaries. He's been driving me nuts lately, but I've also been letting him drive me nuts. He does the same thing, and I let him. Or rather, I very inconsistently let him know that what he's doing isn't ok with me (trying to lay in my lap onto the keyboard as I type this is a great example). I guess it takes a special needs owner to understand a special needs cat.
With that, I think attempting to get some sleep tonight is the next right thing that is in my best interest. After turning off this computer.
10.20.2008
boundaries and personalities
Of course, this being election season here in the US, I'd love to share with all of you my political leanings, who I think you should vote for, and why. But really, Al-Anon isn't the place for it. And neither are many other places that I frequent. I find myself wanting to post my views to various places, but worry about doing so because of the people I know who also visit those sites. It's the principles of Al-Anon that keep me in check thankfully. In meetings, I can like or dislike someone for who they are, not what labels they wear on any given day. I try to follow this principle in all my affairs, but it's rather hard when I find someone's views or labels illogical. It also doesn't help when I think it's disrespectful. Regardless, I still often have to interact with these people and I find it easier to put my principles above personalities than to discuss these things with those people. Now don't get me wrong, I'm always up for a good discussion about why someone thinks the way they do, but I know these kinds of discussions can get heated (and sometimes it's me who is the heated one). And really, I'd rather respect my family and coworkers than discuss some of these things with them. I guess you can say that I've learned that this is one of my boundaries. I can't discuss everything with everyone and I'm learning that that is ok.
10.19.2008
checking in
Today has just been one of those days. For a variety of reasons, I've been in my pjs since about 6pm. I didn't get nearly as many of my priorities done this weekend as would have been good for me. Particularly I didn't make it to a meeting, though I promised myself last night that I would. I even picked out two meetings that I should have been able to make it to. But the powers that be kept me away. Namely myself.
It's hard when I get into this kind of mental space. I know whats good for me, but it's very hard for me to get myself to do those things. I even made a valiant effort today. I started my day off with doing the reading from "Hope For Today". I even did some exercise this morning. I got myself going when I could figuring that if I did it would do me better than sitting at home wallowing. But it didn't. I still feel crappy. I still feel like isolating. I still don't want tomorrow to be Monday and I certainly am not in the mood to be on good behavior tomorrow.
I miss my old program friends in my last city. I wish I could have some here magically who I didn't need to reexplain everything to.
I'm probably one of those people who could use 'outside help' in Al-Anon. Al-Anon has even given me the strength to attempt to get that outside help, but it's never helped. And each non-success makes me more leery of trying again. Sounds a lot like my recovery. I have little faith that others can help me. I am terminally unique.
So it goes.
It's hard when I get into this kind of mental space. I know whats good for me, but it's very hard for me to get myself to do those things. I even made a valiant effort today. I started my day off with doing the reading from "Hope For Today". I even did some exercise this morning. I got myself going when I could figuring that if I did it would do me better than sitting at home wallowing. But it didn't. I still feel crappy. I still feel like isolating. I still don't want tomorrow to be Monday and I certainly am not in the mood to be on good behavior tomorrow.
I miss my old program friends in my last city. I wish I could have some here magically who I didn't need to reexplain everything to.
I'm probably one of those people who could use 'outside help' in Al-Anon. Al-Anon has even given me the strength to attempt to get that outside help, but it's never helped. And each non-success makes me more leery of trying again. Sounds a lot like my recovery. I have little faith that others can help me. I am terminally unique.
So it goes.
10.16.2008
Fourth Step
Many people struggle with their fourth step. So I figured I would. I think the hardest part I struggled with was how to do it. These are the ways I listed that I could do my fourth step:
-old Blue Print for Progress
-new Blue Print for Progress
-Alateen Fourth Step Inventory
-list and describe daily frustrations
-list of fears
-write about the events and people I resent or distrust
-4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating and mothering
-assests/defects list
-columns --> did I cause the problem? How have I tried to control it? Is it in my power to cure it? Did this action contribute to the problem? Comments
-answer 4th step questions in Paths to Recovery
-and of course Big Book style, which isn't really Al-Anon, but I know people do it
Really, this step is all about what works for you. The thought of sitting and writing about my character defects (and assests) really intimidated me. Not because I felt intimidated by my character defects, but because I despised writing. Put pen and paper in front of me and ask me to write and you'll get a death stare from me. But as I've discovered from blogging is that I can type what I think about. So I decided to type my fourth step. Not just go along and type my answers, but actually type out all the questions too. This made it easier for me to go back regularly and edit and add material. It also took what was already a habit for me, typing out my thoughts, and put it to practical program use. It worked beautifully for me. And while most of what I've blogged about in the past 6+ years is probably drivel, I can see it's use. It helped me get comfortable with writing about myself.
So if you're facing your fourth step, whether for the first time or the eighth time, be open to doing it a different way. One that your higher power leads you to.
-old Blue Print for Progress
-new Blue Print for Progress
-Alateen Fourth Step Inventory
-list and describe daily frustrations
-list of fears
-write about the events and people I resent or distrust
-4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating and mothering
-assests/defects list
-columns --> did I cause the problem? How have I tried to control it? Is it in my power to cure it? Did this action contribute to the problem? Comments
-answer 4th step questions in Paths to Recovery
-and of course Big Book style, which isn't really Al-Anon, but I know people do it
Really, this step is all about what works for you. The thought of sitting and writing about my character defects (and assests) really intimidated me. Not because I felt intimidated by my character defects, but because I despised writing. Put pen and paper in front of me and ask me to write and you'll get a death stare from me. But as I've discovered from blogging is that I can type what I think about. So I decided to type my fourth step. Not just go along and type my answers, but actually type out all the questions too. This made it easier for me to go back regularly and edit and add material. It also took what was already a habit for me, typing out my thoughts, and put it to practical program use. It worked beautifully for me. And while most of what I've blogged about in the past 6+ years is probably drivel, I can see it's use. It helped me get comfortable with writing about myself.
So if you're facing your fourth step, whether for the first time or the eighth time, be open to doing it a different way. One that your higher power leads you to.
10.14.2008
traditions
This is one of those nights where I'm not quite sure what I want to write about.
Maybe it's a good night for the tradition of the month.
Tradition 10 states: The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Excellent!
Nah, I think I'll do my favorite tradition instead, tradition 3.
It states: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
It's really the second half that I want to focus on, one that I love talking about in meetings. I have a very old habit (character defect?) of finding ways that I can identify out of groups. I'll find some little difference and say that because of that little difference, I don't/can't belong. But I can't do that in Al-Anon. Tradition 3 clearly tells me that the only thing that required of me is that I be bothered by someone else's drinking. This too can be challenging for me, especially right now while I don't actually have a person in my life whose drinking per se bothers me. But there have been people in the past whose drinking has deeply affected me and I'm sure I'll face people in the future too whose drinking will have an effect on me.
This tradition, like step 1, is a great reminder to me of how I got to this program and why I need to keep coming back. While The Ex that got me into the program is now an ex, I'm sure some of the character defects I perfected while dating him are still with me. But to go back further, I learned many of those character defects in my family of origin. It was there that I learned my broken mantra of "I'm not enough." It was there that I learned to keep my opinion to myself, because children don't have opinions, right? The list could go on, but really it is this deeply ingrained effect that alcoholism has had on me that shows me how much I desperately need this program. NO ONE can tell me I don't belong in the rooms of Al-Anon because I don't daily face the actual drinking of someone else. If anything, I identify as a grandchild of an alcoholic, as neither of my parents drank much, and their behavior wasn't all that different whether they did or they didn't. Even this though, doesn't really speak to this tradition. It is MY choice as to whether I belong in this program. It is I who gets to decide if someone else's drinking has had an effect on my life. I find a great deal of comfort in this. No one else gets to tell me whether I belong or not. Only me.
I knew I needed help long before The Ex and his alcoholism came along, but I never really understood what the problem was and wasn't sure what kind of help to seek. Today I'm thankful that The Ex found recovery because it gave me an easy way to find Al-Anon. So many people tell me how fortunate I am to have found Al-Anon so young, and I'm sure one day I'll truly realize what they mean. But for right now, I can put my age aside as I sit in a room, often filled with women my mother's age, and know that I too belong there.
Maybe it's a good night for the tradition of the month.
Tradition 10 states: The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Excellent!
Nah, I think I'll do my favorite tradition instead, tradition 3.
It states: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
It's really the second half that I want to focus on, one that I love talking about in meetings. I have a very old habit (character defect?) of finding ways that I can identify out of groups. I'll find some little difference and say that because of that little difference, I don't/can't belong. But I can't do that in Al-Anon. Tradition 3 clearly tells me that the only thing that required of me is that I be bothered by someone else's drinking. This too can be challenging for me, especially right now while I don't actually have a person in my life whose drinking per se bothers me. But there have been people in the past whose drinking has deeply affected me and I'm sure I'll face people in the future too whose drinking will have an effect on me.
This tradition, like step 1, is a great reminder to me of how I got to this program and why I need to keep coming back. While The Ex that got me into the program is now an ex, I'm sure some of the character defects I perfected while dating him are still with me. But to go back further, I learned many of those character defects in my family of origin. It was there that I learned my broken mantra of "I'm not enough." It was there that I learned to keep my opinion to myself, because children don't have opinions, right? The list could go on, but really it is this deeply ingrained effect that alcoholism has had on me that shows me how much I desperately need this program. NO ONE can tell me I don't belong in the rooms of Al-Anon because I don't daily face the actual drinking of someone else. If anything, I identify as a grandchild of an alcoholic, as neither of my parents drank much, and their behavior wasn't all that different whether they did or they didn't. Even this though, doesn't really speak to this tradition. It is MY choice as to whether I belong in this program. It is I who gets to decide if someone else's drinking has had an effect on my life. I find a great deal of comfort in this. No one else gets to tell me whether I belong or not. Only me.
I knew I needed help long before The Ex and his alcoholism came along, but I never really understood what the problem was and wasn't sure what kind of help to seek. Today I'm thankful that The Ex found recovery because it gave me an easy way to find Al-Anon. So many people tell me how fortunate I am to have found Al-Anon so young, and I'm sure one day I'll truly realize what they mean. But for right now, I can put my age aside as I sit in a room, often filled with women my mother's age, and know that I too belong there.
10.13.2008
boundaries
As with the past few days, I hope this makes sense to someone other than just me. My brain is now sick and medication riddled, so there are questions about how well my communication skills are working.
Boundaries.
What a sticky topic. Especially when it comes to relating to other people.
I didn't realize how few boundaries I had until I started actually having boundaries. Until I started thinking about what I thought was good for me and wasn't. Or thinking about what I actually like and dislike. Or what is important to me and isn't.
My recent realization has been time and that not everyone thinks about time the same way I do. In addition to my regularly scheduled day time activities, there are a number of things I like to do with the rest of my day, some of them needs, some of them wants. I am a person who prefers going home at night, and actually being at home, not "taking the office home" with me. I like to take that time to make good meals, bake, play with the cat, read, watch various brain rot, etc. But in the setting I'm in now, not many people seem to feel the same way I do. Or rather, they pay lip service to their needs and wants being important to them. They say one thing, but their actions speak differently. I say making good food is important to me, so I set aside time to do so. In my list of priorities, it is a very high one. I'd like to say exercise is too, but as evidenced by my growing waste line, it's actually lower on the list than many other things (I'm trying to change this, but as we all know, it's hard to change old habits).
Where my old confusion lay was hearing people say that doing certain things was important to them, but they didn't make time for it. I'm back in school. It's VERY important to me, but I also have learned that there are certain things, that if I do them, make me a much saner person (cook, bake, play with the cat). So while I do think working hard at school is extremely important, so is taking good care of myself (though I do have to say that if I were still working, I would have taken today off rather than drag my butt to school).
My frustration: I've had many "older" students (most of them are actually younger than me, but they are further along in the program) keep telling me that I too will be there late nights just like them. While I'm sure there will be a few, I get frustrated that they try to pin this on me. I don't see it as a badge of honor and I it really frustrates me that I can't see to explain to these people that taking care of myself is more important than spending a night late at school trying to solve something that probably won't be solved any way because I'll be so annoyed that I'm there and not at home enjoying 'me time'.
So I guess thats one of my boundaries. I need time so that I can have me time.
Boundaries.
What a sticky topic. Especially when it comes to relating to other people.
I didn't realize how few boundaries I had until I started actually having boundaries. Until I started thinking about what I thought was good for me and wasn't. Or thinking about what I actually like and dislike. Or what is important to me and isn't.
My recent realization has been time and that not everyone thinks about time the same way I do. In addition to my regularly scheduled day time activities, there are a number of things I like to do with the rest of my day, some of them needs, some of them wants. I am a person who prefers going home at night, and actually being at home, not "taking the office home" with me. I like to take that time to make good meals, bake, play with the cat, read, watch various brain rot, etc. But in the setting I'm in now, not many people seem to feel the same way I do. Or rather, they pay lip service to their needs and wants being important to them. They say one thing, but their actions speak differently. I say making good food is important to me, so I set aside time to do so. In my list of priorities, it is a very high one. I'd like to say exercise is too, but as evidenced by my growing waste line, it's actually lower on the list than many other things (I'm trying to change this, but as we all know, it's hard to change old habits).
Where my old confusion lay was hearing people say that doing certain things was important to them, but they didn't make time for it. I'm back in school. It's VERY important to me, but I also have learned that there are certain things, that if I do them, make me a much saner person (cook, bake, play with the cat). So while I do think working hard at school is extremely important, so is taking good care of myself (though I do have to say that if I were still working, I would have taken today off rather than drag my butt to school).
My frustration: I've had many "older" students (most of them are actually younger than me, but they are further along in the program) keep telling me that I too will be there late nights just like them. While I'm sure there will be a few, I get frustrated that they try to pin this on me. I don't see it as a badge of honor and I it really frustrates me that I can't see to explain to these people that taking care of myself is more important than spending a night late at school trying to solve something that probably won't be solved any way because I'll be so annoyed that I'm there and not at home enjoying 'me time'.
So I guess thats one of my boundaries. I need time so that I can have me time.
10.12.2008
ill
No, I haven't forgotten about NaBloWriMo. But I am quite a bit under the weather and not feeling the creative juices to make an even half assed attempt at a post here. I guess this is self care in action. I took it extra easy yesterday spending most of the day vegging in the living room arm chair futzing around on the computer doing nothing serious. Today has been mostly the same, but I did venture out.
We'll see how I do tomorrow when I have to go back to being on someone else's schedule, not just my own.
Times like these, I do really keep the slogans in mind. This too shall pass. I will feel better again, probably in a few days. First things first. I have to take care of my body. Make sure I take all my various pills that support my health. Attempt to get enough rest. Keep hydrated.
Hopefully I'll be mentally sharper soon and can give you all a real post about recovery!
We'll see how I do tomorrow when I have to go back to being on someone else's schedule, not just my own.
Times like these, I do really keep the slogans in mind. This too shall pass. I will feel better again, probably in a few days. First things first. I have to take care of my body. Make sure I take all my various pills that support my health. Attempt to get enough rest. Keep hydrated.
Hopefully I'll be mentally sharper soon and can give you all a real post about recovery!
10.10.2008
Anonymity
I had a disturbing dream this morning about my anonymity.
For some reason, in my dream we (a few people and I) were having a meeting style chat, except my mom and one other person I know were also on the couches (neither of these 2 people know that I'm in Al-Anon). And it really bothered me that my anonymity was being broken in front of these two people, but at the same time in my dream, I really needed a meeting.
I guard my anonymity pretty closely. Luckily, though probably through no accident, most of my close friends I know through Al-Anon, so obviously my anonymity is not an issue there. A few of my select friends know either because I don't care that they know or because I've had reason to tell them. Either than that, I keep it on the down low. I'm not 100% sure why either. I know that I don't care to talk to my family about it because I don't feel like dealing with the questions of who I think the alcoholics are in my life, nor what effects I think they've had on my family. But this also makes me wonder if this exact mindset is what put me in the position I'm in, not wanting to talk about things.
I know my higher power will lead me through this quandary and that one day, I will talk to my family about this program. But that day has not yet presented itself.
For some reason, in my dream we (a few people and I) were having a meeting style chat, except my mom and one other person I know were also on the couches (neither of these 2 people know that I'm in Al-Anon). And it really bothered me that my anonymity was being broken in front of these two people, but at the same time in my dream, I really needed a meeting.
I guard my anonymity pretty closely. Luckily, though probably through no accident, most of my close friends I know through Al-Anon, so obviously my anonymity is not an issue there. A few of my select friends know either because I don't care that they know or because I've had reason to tell them. Either than that, I keep it on the down low. I'm not 100% sure why either. I know that I don't care to talk to my family about it because I don't feel like dealing with the questions of who I think the alcoholics are in my life, nor what effects I think they've had on my family. But this also makes me wonder if this exact mindset is what put me in the position I'm in, not wanting to talk about things.
I know my higher power will lead me through this quandary and that one day, I will talk to my family about this program. But that day has not yet presented itself.
10.09.2008
First Things First
Today is a day I would love to skip out on NaBloWriMo. I'm just plain old exhausted. I've been vegetating on the couch since I feel through the door this evening from my tortuous bike "ride" home.
Which I guess brings up a good topic. My favorite slogan.
First things first.
I put this to use pretty much every day (I'd even gander that I do use it every day, a few times a day). It really helps me focus and get done what I need to get done, but not at the expense of other things. While I'm sure there are many things that did need to get done tonight, none of them did in favor of me resting my body and relaxing my mind. To me, this was the most important thing when I fell in the door this evening. It was the first thing that needed to actually be done. By doing this, I'll probably have a more productive day tomorrow.
I find this slogan useful on so many levels. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it helps me break down the day into smaller more manageable chunks. When I'm got a lot to do, same thing, my list of tasks gets easier to deal with. Even when I don't have a lot to do, it's helpful by helping me get done the most important stuff first.
Sometimes the things I do first probably don't always appear as useful from the outside, but they make me saner. I always need to make sure I'm fed before tackling anything major, because low blood sugar leads me to make stupid mistakes. This also reminds me that a good nights sleep is useful, no matter how much my inner night owl wants to stay up and watch one more episode of brain rot.
I'm not sure what I'm saying is making much sense, as right now, my first things first is a shower and then my bed.f
This post brought to you by Bike Brain. Aka Next Time, I'll Wait For The Bus.
Which I guess brings up a good topic. My favorite slogan.
First things first.
I put this to use pretty much every day (I'd even gander that I do use it every day, a few times a day). It really helps me focus and get done what I need to get done, but not at the expense of other things. While I'm sure there are many things that did need to get done tonight, none of them did in favor of me resting my body and relaxing my mind. To me, this was the most important thing when I fell in the door this evening. It was the first thing that needed to actually be done. By doing this, I'll probably have a more productive day tomorrow.
I find this slogan useful on so many levels. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it helps me break down the day into smaller more manageable chunks. When I'm got a lot to do, same thing, my list of tasks gets easier to deal with. Even when I don't have a lot to do, it's helpful by helping me get done the most important stuff first.
Sometimes the things I do first probably don't always appear as useful from the outside, but they make me saner. I always need to make sure I'm fed before tackling anything major, because low blood sugar leads me to make stupid mistakes. This also reminds me that a good nights sleep is useful, no matter how much my inner night owl wants to stay up and watch one more episode of brain rot.
I'm not sure what I'm saying is making much sense, as right now, my first things first is a shower and then my bed.f
This post brought to you by Bike Brain. Aka Next Time, I'll Wait For The Bus.
10.08.2008
How did I get here?
I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment, so hopefully this will be coherent (and yes, I realize it isn't even 9pm yet).
How did I get here?
I've been in a lot of step one meetings lately. While I am always initially annoyed (because I'd rather be working on "hard core" Al-Anon), I usually leave grateful for the reminder of why I keep coming back.
Step back MANY 24 hours, and the me that you see would be quite different from the me of today. Most of this can be "blamed" on Al-Anon.
My story:
Oh so many moons ago, my then boyfriend informed me that he as going away to some retreat thingy for the week. His mom would get him there, but I'd need to pick him up. Being the dutiful girlfriend that I was, I of course agreed. Enter insanity. I managed to give myself severe food intoxication the night before (I know it was a toxin issue because I was sick that night, but it cleared by the next day, versus an infection). So here I am... emptying my innards all night only to get up early the next morning to go pick him up. Oh, and it had snowed!
He came back with the declaration that he was an alcoholic. Which I didn't really care about (or understand, in hindsight). He entered AA. And within a month I was annoyed and angry that he was 'getting better' and I was still miserable (I have a history of depression too). I remember standing in the street one night in front of his mom's house asking in my oh so snotty voice 'Well what am I supposed to do?' He thankfully had just enough recovery to tell me that he was sure and that he'd ask his sponsor.
The answer was simple. "Why doesn't she go to Al-Anon?"
So I arranged to meet said sponsor's girlfriend at a meeting. She never showed up. But I hung in there, though a stellar meeting of 4 people, 2 of us new comers and the third a relative new comer.
I don't remember many meetings after that. I obviously kept coming back, but I couldn't honestly tell you why.
After the boyfriend and I had a bit of recovery in us, I remember him asking me why I didn't leave early on. At that time, I didn't know, I just knew I was supposed to. Now I know why. I needed Al-Anon and he was my ticket there.
Today I can see the effects of alcoholism in my family, but more importantly I can see the effects of alcoholism on me. While I know not all of my problems can be "blamed" on alcoholism, I know that Al-Anon holds many answers for me that I wouldn't have found packaged so nicely elsewhere. I can handle the principles of Al-Anon because I can "Take what I like and leave the rest." Some ideas that I found completely stupid in the beginning I now can see the use of.
This program has also taken me places I've never dreamed I'd go or had me meet people I never knew I'd meet. Perhaps my most 'daring' was volunteering to help bring meetings to the women's detention center in the area I used to live. Who would have thought little old me could be of service to women serving time? But there I was every third Sunday of even months not dressed in jeans helping to lead a meeting at the detention center. While the meetings there have their own unique set of challenges, it felt good to know, sadly, that someone else's story was worse than mine. But it helped me to know that if they too could have hope, so could I.
My relationship with the person who got me into this program ended a few years ago already, but I'll be forever grateful to him for introducing me to this program. While today has been a challenging day (more because I'm not taking proper care of myself and getting enough sleep), I know why my day is challenging, and I no longer chalk it up to just that life sucks. This too will pass. And with some extra sleep tonight, I'm sure I'll fell better tomorrow.
How did I get here?
I've been in a lot of step one meetings lately. While I am always initially annoyed (because I'd rather be working on "hard core" Al-Anon), I usually leave grateful for the reminder of why I keep coming back.
Step back MANY 24 hours, and the me that you see would be quite different from the me of today. Most of this can be "blamed" on Al-Anon.
My story:
Oh so many moons ago, my then boyfriend informed me that he as going away to some retreat thingy for the week. His mom would get him there, but I'd need to pick him up. Being the dutiful girlfriend that I was, I of course agreed. Enter insanity. I managed to give myself severe food intoxication the night before (I know it was a toxin issue because I was sick that night, but it cleared by the next day, versus an infection). So here I am... emptying my innards all night only to get up early the next morning to go pick him up. Oh, and it had snowed!
He came back with the declaration that he was an alcoholic. Which I didn't really care about (or understand, in hindsight). He entered AA. And within a month I was annoyed and angry that he was 'getting better' and I was still miserable (I have a history of depression too). I remember standing in the street one night in front of his mom's house asking in my oh so snotty voice 'Well what am I supposed to do?' He thankfully had just enough recovery to tell me that he was sure and that he'd ask his sponsor.
The answer was simple. "Why doesn't she go to Al-Anon?"
So I arranged to meet said sponsor's girlfriend at a meeting. She never showed up. But I hung in there, though a stellar meeting of 4 people, 2 of us new comers and the third a relative new comer.
I don't remember many meetings after that. I obviously kept coming back, but I couldn't honestly tell you why.
After the boyfriend and I had a bit of recovery in us, I remember him asking me why I didn't leave early on. At that time, I didn't know, I just knew I was supposed to. Now I know why. I needed Al-Anon and he was my ticket there.
Today I can see the effects of alcoholism in my family, but more importantly I can see the effects of alcoholism on me. While I know not all of my problems can be "blamed" on alcoholism, I know that Al-Anon holds many answers for me that I wouldn't have found packaged so nicely elsewhere. I can handle the principles of Al-Anon because I can "Take what I like and leave the rest." Some ideas that I found completely stupid in the beginning I now can see the use of.
This program has also taken me places I've never dreamed I'd go or had me meet people I never knew I'd meet. Perhaps my most 'daring' was volunteering to help bring meetings to the women's detention center in the area I used to live. Who would have thought little old me could be of service to women serving time? But there I was every third Sunday of even months not dressed in jeans helping to lead a meeting at the detention center. While the meetings there have their own unique set of challenges, it felt good to know, sadly, that someone else's story was worse than mine. But it helped me to know that if they too could have hope, so could I.
My relationship with the person who got me into this program ended a few years ago already, but I'll be forever grateful to him for introducing me to this program. While today has been a challenging day (more because I'm not taking proper care of myself and getting enough sleep), I know why my day is challenging, and I no longer chalk it up to just that life sucks. This too will pass. And with some extra sleep tonight, I'm sure I'll fell better tomorrow.
10.07.2008
What shall we talk about today?
I think step 6.95 sounds like a good one.
What, you ask, is step 6.95? It's the step I'm stuck at, though I have to wonder if I've been working 7 without really realizing it.
Step 6 for me boiled down to a question in "Paths to Recovery". Are you entirely ready to be done with this (thats my rewording)? Are you tired with this life?
I am. I want to be healthier. I want to not keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
But asking for help is hard. Especially when I don't always have faith in my higher power. It's weird. While I do trust the big picture to my higher power, I'm not sure I trust the day to day decisions to her. To ask her to remove my short comings is even harder than admitting my life is unmanageable.
So I'm at step 6.95. I do honestly want to change, but I'm still not sure it's my higher power who will do it for me. This is a level of trust I'm very unsure of. And one I'm not sure what to do with.
So how can I say that I might be on 7?
From what I've heard, having character defects removed is just that. Having space in between you and your character defect. The space to make new choices. And I feel like I've had this lately. That I can make new choices. It's not that I just suddenly am making healthy choices, but rather that I have the mental space to realize that I can choose the old path or I can choose the new healthier path. I've been working on choosing the new healthy path. It's taking energy, but at least I can see that I have choices.
So maybe I am at step 7, just in my own unique way.
I think step 6.95 sounds like a good one.
What, you ask, is step 6.95? It's the step I'm stuck at, though I have to wonder if I've been working 7 without really realizing it.
Step 6 for me boiled down to a question in "Paths to Recovery". Are you entirely ready to be done with this (thats my rewording)? Are you tired with this life?
I am. I want to be healthier. I want to not keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
But asking for help is hard. Especially when I don't always have faith in my higher power. It's weird. While I do trust the big picture to my higher power, I'm not sure I trust the day to day decisions to her. To ask her to remove my short comings is even harder than admitting my life is unmanageable.
So I'm at step 6.95. I do honestly want to change, but I'm still not sure it's my higher power who will do it for me. This is a level of trust I'm very unsure of. And one I'm not sure what to do with.
So how can I say that I might be on 7?
From what I've heard, having character defects removed is just that. Having space in between you and your character defect. The space to make new choices. And I feel like I've had this lately. That I can make new choices. It's not that I just suddenly am making healthy choices, but rather that I have the mental space to realize that I can choose the old path or I can choose the new healthier path. I've been working on choosing the new healthy path. It's taking energy, but at least I can see that I have choices.
So maybe I am at step 7, just in my own unique way.
10.06.2008
generosity
I'm a bit late, but I'd still like to do NaBloWriMo. Aka National Blog Writing Month. The idea is that I'll post every day this month? Think I can do it? I'm not sure either. I'll be pleased if I hit every other day. The problem won't be post topics, but rather it will be getting me to sit down and write them.
This post I've had in my head for a LONG time. Finally today during seminar I started writing it (can you tell I wasn't too into the seminar topic?).
The subject of generosity has been on my mind for quite some time. Not just generosity of the monetary sort, but also of the personal sort.
One can be generous by donating money. Something very important in meetings if the meeting intends to pay rent and have literature for new comers. Generosity of time in meetings is also important. I've often heard in meetings that the easiest way to be of service is to simply show up to meetings. But, ideally, meetings need more than this to stay healthy and function well. A healthy meeting also ideally has a GR (group representative) who generously gives of their time by attending area meetings and making sure info from WSO (World Service Office) gets to the meeting.
This is all well and good, but what does this have to do with my life? How do I practice these principles in all my affairs?
I've learned how to be generous in terms of the program, but how do I practice this in other areas of my life? Part of the answer for me is learning to trust my Higher Power and to know my boundaries.
Back story: Why did I even think of this topic? Before moving, I decided to throw myself a going away party. What struck me was how generous my wonderful friends were, new and old. I was struck also by the various types of generosity that were presented to me. Some friends offered to help me finish making food. One offered to do all the grilling. Some gave me gifts. But the best gifts I received was that they all showed up. I was struck by how generous my friends were with their time and more importantly themselves.
Through this I realized how ungenerous I can be on many different levels.
On one level, this is ok. I'm getting very good at taking care of myself. I make sure I am financially taken care of. I try my best to make sure I have the time to do the things I need to do (laundry, food, keeping my abode livable). But this leads me towards a path of isolation because I focus so much on making sure I am taken care of that I let my friendships falter. I am not very generous with my time with my friends. At least not to the level I would like to be.
While I'm not quite sure where I would like this post to end, it does leave me with much to think about in terms of what I really do need to do to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Perhaps I have been spending so much time on just a few of these that others have fallen sadly by the wayside. As an old friend would say, I can pray about this.
This post I've had in my head for a LONG time. Finally today during seminar I started writing it (can you tell I wasn't too into the seminar topic?).
The subject of generosity has been on my mind for quite some time. Not just generosity of the monetary sort, but also of the personal sort.
One can be generous by donating money. Something very important in meetings if the meeting intends to pay rent and have literature for new comers. Generosity of time in meetings is also important. I've often heard in meetings that the easiest way to be of service is to simply show up to meetings. But, ideally, meetings need more than this to stay healthy and function well. A healthy meeting also ideally has a GR (group representative) who generously gives of their time by attending area meetings and making sure info from WSO (World Service Office) gets to the meeting.
This is all well and good, but what does this have to do with my life? How do I practice these principles in all my affairs?
I've learned how to be generous in terms of the program, but how do I practice this in other areas of my life? Part of the answer for me is learning to trust my Higher Power and to know my boundaries.
Back story: Why did I even think of this topic? Before moving, I decided to throw myself a going away party. What struck me was how generous my wonderful friends were, new and old. I was struck also by the various types of generosity that were presented to me. Some friends offered to help me finish making food. One offered to do all the grilling. Some gave me gifts. But the best gifts I received was that they all showed up. I was struck by how generous my friends were with their time and more importantly themselves.
Through this I realized how ungenerous I can be on many different levels.
On one level, this is ok. I'm getting very good at taking care of myself. I make sure I am financially taken care of. I try my best to make sure I have the time to do the things I need to do (laundry, food, keeping my abode livable). But this leads me towards a path of isolation because I focus so much on making sure I am taken care of that I let my friendships falter. I am not very generous with my time with my friends. At least not to the level I would like to be.
While I'm not quite sure where I would like this post to end, it does leave me with much to think about in terms of what I really do need to do to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Perhaps I have been spending so much time on just a few of these that others have fallen sadly by the wayside. As an old friend would say, I can pray about this.
10.05.2008
I, like probably many people in Al-Anon, have issues around alcohol consumption. Not in the sense that I'm an alcoholic. But in that worrying sense that maybe I'll "turn into one".
This has made the past few weeks in my new locale a bit interesting. MANY people here drink. A lot. And while no one has been pouring drinks down my throat, I have felt a weird inner pressure that I too need to drink to have as much fun as they have been having. My problem comes in deciding where to draw the line. How much am I comfortable drinking? How do I feel about alcohol playing such a large part in my life after excluding it from my social scene for so long?
I have a lot of thinking to do.
This has made the past few weeks in my new locale a bit interesting. MANY people here drink. A lot. And while no one has been pouring drinks down my throat, I have felt a weird inner pressure that I too need to drink to have as much fun as they have been having. My problem comes in deciding where to draw the line. How much am I comfortable drinking? How do I feel about alcohol playing such a large part in my life after excluding it from my social scene for so long?
I have a lot of thinking to do.
9.10.2008
So in the 2+ months since I last posted here, I've moved about 900 miles NW of my former city and I've gone back to school. I've also had to work very hard to maintain my shreds of sanity. Ok, work hard is the wrong phrase. I've had to muddle through as best I can, much like usual.
Meetings here are different. And of course I'm having a hard time settling into meetings. There are no 8:30 meetings here, which is pretty much all I went to in my former city. In fact most meetings here I would consider early evening, and hence hard for me to get to. Between commuting home on the bus from campus and then having my usual struggle with making sure I eat adequately, early meetings are really hard for me to get to.
This past weekend I had a crisis of 'faith', but not in my higher power, more in my need of the program. I wondered why I still needed to keep coming around. It is obvious that I am affected by the disease of alcoholism, but I'm really not affected by alcoholism if that makes any sense. I deal with no one's drinking. While I wonder if certain people I currently interact with have problems with their alcohol consumption, I know it isn't my problem and their behavior doesn't bother me. But I still need this program. Desperately because I have been affected by this disease. I hadn't really thought about this topic much lately, until after this weekend.
I ended up at a meeting where the topic suggested was 'having had a spiritual awakening'. I know I've had spiritual awakenings, but I couldn't get my brain going. So I opened my 'Hope for Today' which I had with me to the first reading on the topic. Lo and behold, the exact reason why I still need this program. While the things that got me into this program no longer beat on me on a daily basis, my thinking still hasn't fully cleared. I still react to many things with the same. What were my coping mechanisms, my survival mechanisms at one time, no longer serve me. Not now that I want to be healthy. But I still do them. Regularly. Hourly. Minutely. It's hard to break old habits. It's even harder when I think I have to do it myself. Without any help.
And that is why I need this program. That is why I am in "recovery". Not recovered. Recovering. I'll always be recovering. That sounds like a scary thought, but hopefully one day I can look at my character defects and think of them gracefully rather than with a grudge.
Meetings here are different. And of course I'm having a hard time settling into meetings. There are no 8:30 meetings here, which is pretty much all I went to in my former city. In fact most meetings here I would consider early evening, and hence hard for me to get to. Between commuting home on the bus from campus and then having my usual struggle with making sure I eat adequately, early meetings are really hard for me to get to.
This past weekend I had a crisis of 'faith', but not in my higher power, more in my need of the program. I wondered why I still needed to keep coming around. It is obvious that I am affected by the disease of alcoholism, but I'm really not affected by alcoholism if that makes any sense. I deal with no one's drinking. While I wonder if certain people I currently interact with have problems with their alcohol consumption, I know it isn't my problem and their behavior doesn't bother me. But I still need this program. Desperately because I have been affected by this disease. I hadn't really thought about this topic much lately, until after this weekend.
I ended up at a meeting where the topic suggested was 'having had a spiritual awakening'. I know I've had spiritual awakenings, but I couldn't get my brain going. So I opened my 'Hope for Today' which I had with me to the first reading on the topic. Lo and behold, the exact reason why I still need this program. While the things that got me into this program no longer beat on me on a daily basis, my thinking still hasn't fully cleared. I still react to many things with the same. What were my coping mechanisms, my survival mechanisms at one time, no longer serve me. Not now that I want to be healthy. But I still do them. Regularly. Hourly. Minutely. It's hard to break old habits. It's even harder when I think I have to do it myself. Without any help.
And that is why I need this program. That is why I am in "recovery". Not recovered. Recovering. I'll always be recovering. That sounds like a scary thought, but hopefully one day I can look at my character defects and think of them gracefully rather than with a grudge.
6.26.2008
dating and character defects
After a very long conversation with a very old friend last night, I came to a realization.
I haven't dated in LONG time. I just haven't really been interested to, but I couldn't really articulate why.
I realized last night that part of it is that I have no real desire to 'train' someone. I don't want to try to change someone any more. I want to be able to accept someone I date 'as-is'.
But I also haven't met anyone whose perceived character defects I'm willing to tolerate.
I "blame" this on Al-Anon. I've come to accept (I hope) that I can't change anyone else. I no longer want to. I may not understand the how and why of how other people work, and can often think they are wrong, but I think I've finally come to grasp that changing them (or showing them how wrong they are :) is not my job. I have enough with my own character defects thank you very much.
I haven't dated in LONG time. I just haven't really been interested to, but I couldn't really articulate why.
I realized last night that part of it is that I have no real desire to 'train' someone. I don't want to try to change someone any more. I want to be able to accept someone I date 'as-is'.
But I also haven't met anyone whose perceived character defects I'm willing to tolerate.
I "blame" this on Al-Anon. I've come to accept (I hope) that I can't change anyone else. I no longer want to. I may not understand the how and why of how other people work, and can often think they are wrong, but I think I've finally come to grasp that changing them (or showing them how wrong they are :) is not my job. I have enough with my own character defects thank you very much.
5.11.2008
turning it over
We had just left the church, the same church that she had gotten married in just a few years previous. The Susquehanna River was frozen pretty good too, just like at her wedding. I think I may have even sat in the same pew. And was just a few minutes late too, just like I was for her wedding.
We had gotten maybe 2 or 3 blocks, me driving. I hadn't stopped crying since we had arrived at the church. Especially since K had sang. And I just lost it. I knew in that moment that I couldn't drive any further. My grief was overwhelming, still is many days, and I just couldn't function any more. In that moment, I turned it over, said I couldn't drive. And three voices chorused back, that they could. In that moment I understood what it meant to turn something over and let go of the result. I didn't have to be in control of everything for every minute of every day.
Sometimes I wish my Higher Power had gentler ways of teaching me these things.
Sarah, I love you and will always miss you.
We had gotten maybe 2 or 3 blocks, me driving. I hadn't stopped crying since we had arrived at the church. Especially since K had sang. And I just lost it. I knew in that moment that I couldn't drive any further. My grief was overwhelming, still is many days, and I just couldn't function any more. In that moment, I turned it over, said I couldn't drive. And three voices chorused back, that they could. In that moment I understood what it meant to turn something over and let go of the result. I didn't have to be in control of everything for every minute of every day.
Sometimes I wish my Higher Power had gentler ways of teaching me these things.
Sarah, I love you and will always miss you.
5.01.2008
New Behavior, Old Behavior
I really want to explode right now. But I'm trying oh so hard not to. I don't want to explode, really. I want to do the next right thing, even if other people can't or won't.
I want to detach. I don't care about the with love part right now, I just want to detach. To truly realize that what other people think of me is none of my business.
I want to be secure in knowing that I am keeping my side of the street clean, even if the other side is a filthy mess.
I want to be professional and know that I've taken care of myself and have tried my hardest.
Most of all, I want to FEEL okay doing these things, because they are healthy things.
This is uncomfortable. This is new to me. New behavior is hard, especially when you don't know what to put in in place of the old behavior. I'm not even sure what my new behavior is. I just know that I don't want to do my old behavior. I'd like to have a bit of spiritual space between it and the healthy decisions I want to make.
Now if only I knew what my new healthy decisions should be. Because I'm getting dangerously close to the old behavior patterns that I'd like to leave behind.
I want to detach. I don't care about the with love part right now, I just want to detach. To truly realize that what other people think of me is none of my business.
I want to be secure in knowing that I am keeping my side of the street clean, even if the other side is a filthy mess.
I want to be professional and know that I've taken care of myself and have tried my hardest.
Most of all, I want to FEEL okay doing these things, because they are healthy things.
This is uncomfortable. This is new to me. New behavior is hard, especially when you don't know what to put in in place of the old behavior. I'm not even sure what my new behavior is. I just know that I don't want to do my old behavior. I'd like to have a bit of spiritual space between it and the healthy decisions I want to make.
Now if only I knew what my new healthy decisions should be. Because I'm getting dangerously close to the old behavior patterns that I'd like to leave behind.
4.18.2008
Let It Begin With Me
I led a workshop last week on Live and Let Live and presented the idea that you can use Let It Begin with Live and Let Live. But I don't feel I was really able to flesh the idea out until today.
So here it is.
Sometimes we realize when other people aren't letting us live. We can feel them trying to control our lives, and if you're like me, you resist and get very resentful. However, we often (ok, I often) attempt to do this to other people, especially if they've tried to do it to me. In this case, I can let it begin with me. I can let them live their life the way they see fit.
In the same vane, no one can live my life for me. I have to let it begin with me. Only I can live my life.
So here it is.
Sometimes we realize when other people aren't letting us live. We can feel them trying to control our lives, and if you're like me, you resist and get very resentful. However, we often (ok, I often) attempt to do this to other people, especially if they've tried to do it to me. In this case, I can let it begin with me. I can let them live their life the way they see fit.
In the same vane, no one can live my life for me. I have to let it begin with me. Only I can live my life.
4.12.2008
I can feel excluded very easily. If two of my friends are hanging out together and I'm not invited, I start wondering what it is about me that they don't like. If two coworkers go and do something together, I wonder if they don't like me. I'm not quite sure where this comes from, or why it bothers me so much, but it does and has for quite some time. While I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, I'm always wondering why I'm not included in things.
I'm an introvert. Who does a very good job of discluding myself from many things. I'm always busy. I never feel good. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I have nothing to offer.
Add in not feeling well today, probably PMSing a bit, and just general malaise, and I'm sure we all can see where I'm coming from. A very illogical place.
I have friends. I know that.
I have friends who love me. I know that too.
But somewhere in here, my brain just doesn't connect the two. Especially sitting home on a Saturday night.
Even if I am feeling crummy and probably should stay home and go to bed early (even though I took a 4 hour nap today).
I'm an introvert. Who does a very good job of discluding myself from many things. I'm always busy. I never feel good. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I have nothing to offer.
Add in not feeling well today, probably PMSing a bit, and just general malaise, and I'm sure we all can see where I'm coming from. A very illogical place.
I have friends. I know that.
I have friends who love me. I know that too.
But somewhere in here, my brain just doesn't connect the two. Especially sitting home on a Saturday night.
Even if I am feeling crummy and probably should stay home and go to bed early (even though I took a 4 hour nap today).
4.07.2008
Living
Life has not been the same since Sarah's death. I suppose that is normal, as at least it shows I'm human. But I don't mean this as in my life has a new outlook and I look at things different. Life is just ... different.
I've been asked to lead a workshop this Saturday at our Spring Workshop. When the person who asked me called, at first she mentioned two topics, and when I asked her which she wanted me to do, I was hoping she would say one, because I know it's something I need to work on. But she chose the other, the slogan "Live and Let Live." Up until a few moments ago, I had no idea what I would really have to offer on this slogan. The reason why I need to lead this workshop isn't because I'm some expert on Live and Let Live. Rather, I'm an unexpert. I've been wallowing so much since Sarah's death that I've had problems remembering what it means to live. I don't feel I've ever been very good at it. It just feels like something I've never learned. I sure do know how to hunker down and ride out a storm though! Or rather, hang on for dear life.
I've been asked to lead a workshop this Saturday at our Spring Workshop. When the person who asked me called, at first she mentioned two topics, and when I asked her which she wanted me to do, I was hoping she would say one, because I know it's something I need to work on. But she chose the other, the slogan "Live and Let Live." Up until a few moments ago, I had no idea what I would really have to offer on this slogan. The reason why I need to lead this workshop isn't because I'm some expert on Live and Let Live. Rather, I'm an unexpert. I've been wallowing so much since Sarah's death that I've had problems remembering what it means to live. I don't feel I've ever been very good at it. It just feels like something I've never learned. I sure do know how to hunker down and ride out a storm though! Or rather, hang on for dear life.
3.17.2008
Qualifiers?
It was this weekend when I finally realized why the idea of having a 'qualifier' in Al-Anon has always bothered me.
We talked in our Area World Service Committee meeting about words and phrases that aren't Al-Anon, and the word qualifier came up. It wasn't until I was cooking dinner that night that I realized why it always grates one me when someone says in a meeting "My qualifier is... [mother, father, brother, sister, spouse, friend, etc]." Although I have been affected by someone else's drinking, I don't go to meetings because of them. I go to meetings because of me. It doesn't matter who in my life did the drinking, just that it bothered me. And Tradition 3 tells me that. "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." It doesn't say that it has to be a particular relation. Just that there be one.
Part of this is also the idea of keeping the focus on myself and not the alcoholic. So I think from now on, I'm going to attempt to refrain from mentioning whose drinking bothered me, but simply that I have been affected by someone else's drinking.
We talked in our Area World Service Committee meeting about words and phrases that aren't Al-Anon, and the word qualifier came up. It wasn't until I was cooking dinner that night that I realized why it always grates one me when someone says in a meeting "My qualifier is... [mother, father, brother, sister, spouse, friend, etc]." Although I have been affected by someone else's drinking, I don't go to meetings because of them. I go to meetings because of me. It doesn't matter who in my life did the drinking, just that it bothered me. And Tradition 3 tells me that. "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend." It doesn't say that it has to be a particular relation. Just that there be one.
Part of this is also the idea of keeping the focus on myself and not the alcoholic. So I think from now on, I'm going to attempt to refrain from mentioning whose drinking bothered me, but simply that I have been affected by someone else's drinking.
3.09.2008
5 years
I've been meaning to post this all week, but just never got around to it.
I still remember the first night. It being the beginning of March, it was already dark at 8:30. I was unsure of what I was getting myself into. I knew I was miserable, but it seemed like I'd always been (even though I knew that wasn't true). My boyfriend's sponor's suggestion had been to give Al-Anon a try. His girlfriend was to meet me at the church. I later found out that she hadn't been able to find the church. I had, and have been coming back ever since.
To say the past five years have been a walk in the park would be a lie. I've often sat in meetings wondering what the hell I'm doing there. Not sure I belong. Or that I'll find my answer there. I still keep going back because although I won't find my answer there, I can find parts of it. Bits of understanding about why I behave the way I did.
And sitting here typing this I see connections with why I'm struggle with the thought of taking my seventh step. I've heard in meetings that our character defects are survival mechanisms that no longer serve us well. And that is part of my answer. My character defects aren't bad, they are just traits that are no longer helpful to me. But it's hard to let those things go. It's hard to realize that things I do that have helped me for so long are no longer good for me. It's hard to learn new habits.
If I listen to other people in the program, they remind me that I have changed in the past 5 years. I spontaneously led a meeting Friday night on my favorite reading from "From Survival to Recovery." One person who shared remarked that her favorite step two lead she'd ever heard was from me back around 2003 (I only remember this because I do remember the meeting, we were in the second floor of the church instead of the basement because Hurricane Isabel had flooded the basement). But it is people like her who remind me that I am getting better. Even tonight, when I'm migraine-y, a bit sore, a bit lonely and wishing allergy seasons wasn't starting, I know my life has gotten better. These days I don't plan my life around someone elses. I know that there are many people I can call, whether to talk to or ask them for help.
Part of this also comes to mind because of the pending change in my living situation, namely that I will most likely be moving quite far from where I live now. I've already decided that I will be throwing myself a big party and it strikes awe into me to realize how many people I know now. Not only has my list of 'friends' grown significantly from being in the program, but it's grown outside of that too because of my work in the program.
I guess tonights overarching message is one of hope. So many people have come before me in the program and gotten 'better', and now I am too. Little by little, one day at a time. Often one hour at a time I see the many options now available to me because of one night so many 24 hours ago.
I still remember the first night. It being the beginning of March, it was already dark at 8:30. I was unsure of what I was getting myself into. I knew I was miserable, but it seemed like I'd always been (even though I knew that wasn't true). My boyfriend's sponor's suggestion had been to give Al-Anon a try. His girlfriend was to meet me at the church. I later found out that she hadn't been able to find the church. I had, and have been coming back ever since.
To say the past five years have been a walk in the park would be a lie. I've often sat in meetings wondering what the hell I'm doing there. Not sure I belong. Or that I'll find my answer there. I still keep going back because although I won't find my answer there, I can find parts of it. Bits of understanding about why I behave the way I did.
And sitting here typing this I see connections with why I'm struggle with the thought of taking my seventh step. I've heard in meetings that our character defects are survival mechanisms that no longer serve us well. And that is part of my answer. My character defects aren't bad, they are just traits that are no longer helpful to me. But it's hard to let those things go. It's hard to realize that things I do that have helped me for so long are no longer good for me. It's hard to learn new habits.
If I listen to other people in the program, they remind me that I have changed in the past 5 years. I spontaneously led a meeting Friday night on my favorite reading from "From Survival to Recovery." One person who shared remarked that her favorite step two lead she'd ever heard was from me back around 2003 (I only remember this because I do remember the meeting, we were in the second floor of the church instead of the basement because Hurricane Isabel had flooded the basement). But it is people like her who remind me that I am getting better. Even tonight, when I'm migraine-y, a bit sore, a bit lonely and wishing allergy seasons wasn't starting, I know my life has gotten better. These days I don't plan my life around someone elses. I know that there are many people I can call, whether to talk to or ask them for help.
Part of this also comes to mind because of the pending change in my living situation, namely that I will most likely be moving quite far from where I live now. I've already decided that I will be throwing myself a big party and it strikes awe into me to realize how many people I know now. Not only has my list of 'friends' grown significantly from being in the program, but it's grown outside of that too because of my work in the program.
I guess tonights overarching message is one of hope. So many people have come before me in the program and gotten 'better', and now I am too. Little by little, one day at a time. Often one hour at a time I see the many options now available to me because of one night so many 24 hours ago.
1.20.2008
Grief
Grief is something I've struggled with a lot this year. Tuesday is the first anniversary of Sarah's death. It still feels like last week, answering the phone call from Dave to hear the news. And calling Megan to make sure she knew, and Dan calling me to make sure I knew.
I think the hardest part of grief for me as a process is that there is no instruction booklet. People can suggest to me what has worked for them. I can read books and websites about what works for many people. I can read about research on grief. But there are no guarantees. No one can tell me with 100% certainty what will work for me. This past year it has meant spending quite a bit of time by myself, mostly at home. It has produced a lot of tears and the headaches to go along with them. I haven't read much. I haven't seen many movies. I haven't gone too many places. I've hung out with friends less. I've spent more time with Rascal.
Just for Today, I am tired of living this way. I want to move forward, but I don't know how.
I think the hardest part of grief for me as a process is that there is no instruction booklet. People can suggest to me what has worked for them. I can read books and websites about what works for many people. I can read about research on grief. But there are no guarantees. No one can tell me with 100% certainty what will work for me. This past year it has meant spending quite a bit of time by myself, mostly at home. It has produced a lot of tears and the headaches to go along with them. I haven't read much. I haven't seen many movies. I haven't gone too many places. I've hung out with friends less. I've spent more time with Rascal.
Just for Today, I am tired of living this way. I want to move forward, but I don't know how.
1.09.2008
Responsibility and Happiness
A long timer asked me last night if I would lead this coming Monday on a topic from the new Blueprint for Progress. I said yes right off the bat. Partly because I can talk about how I did mine, but also because I haven't led in a long time and I could really use it. How did I do my fourth step you ask? I created a document in Word for each section and typed in every single question, then answered them. When I considered each section complete, I printed it. Thats me for you.
When I got home last night from the meeting I sat right down and started going through my printed sheets looking for what I should lead on. And one question jumped right out at me. I'm too lazy right now to run upstairs and get the actual question, but it pertains to the idea that we are responsible for our own happiness. I find this concept EXTREMELY difficult to grasp. I know there are certain things in my life that I can do that I enjoy and that bring happiness into my life, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I have very little control over my happiness. I can see ways that I can abate my anger, but not increase my happiness.
I found a reading in "Hope for Today" that I'll use in my lead. It's somewhere in the month of Dec, and all I remember right now is that the thought for the day is "What can I change so I can be happy? Is this realistic?" This question doesn't ask "What can I change so I WILL be happy?", but what I CAN change. What can I change? I've heard a lot of people talk about attitudes. And someone in the meeting last night said that for her, alcoholism was a disease of attitudes. And really, that is what this is all about for me. My attitudes are fucked up. Somewhere I learned the thought pattern that life sucks. So my dad at least had it partially right, I do have a pissy attitude, but it isn't in the way that he's always berated me for.
Wrap all of this up in a nice pretty package and we begin to see that I DO see myself as a victim. Not necessarily that anyone has done anything specific to me, but that "life" is out to get me. The feeling that life just sucks and why should I try feeling any different?
I'm not sure what my answers are to this quandary, but as something else I read last night said, I do have answers, just not for the questions I have.
When I got home last night from the meeting I sat right down and started going through my printed sheets looking for what I should lead on. And one question jumped right out at me. I'm too lazy right now to run upstairs and get the actual question, but it pertains to the idea that we are responsible for our own happiness. I find this concept EXTREMELY difficult to grasp. I know there are certain things in my life that I can do that I enjoy and that bring happiness into my life, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I have very little control over my happiness. I can see ways that I can abate my anger, but not increase my happiness.
I found a reading in "Hope for Today" that I'll use in my lead. It's somewhere in the month of Dec, and all I remember right now is that the thought for the day is "What can I change so I can be happy? Is this realistic?" This question doesn't ask "What can I change so I WILL be happy?", but what I CAN change. What can I change? I've heard a lot of people talk about attitudes. And someone in the meeting last night said that for her, alcoholism was a disease of attitudes. And really, that is what this is all about for me. My attitudes are fucked up. Somewhere I learned the thought pattern that life sucks. So my dad at least had it partially right, I do have a pissy attitude, but it isn't in the way that he's always berated me for.
Wrap all of this up in a nice pretty package and we begin to see that I DO see myself as a victim. Not necessarily that anyone has done anything specific to me, but that "life" is out to get me. The feeling that life just sucks and why should I try feeling any different?
I'm not sure what my answers are to this quandary, but as something else I read last night said, I do have answers, just not for the questions I have.
1.02.2008
Resentment
Resentment: a poison I take hoping I'll hurt someone else.
And really, this is what I do. I think about all the things I could have done different and think about how things could have ended up different. I wonder why people did the things they did, and wonder how honest they were.
So Sunday in Meeting I got the bright idea that I would not only list the people I thought I had resentments against, but WHY. I thought it would be interesting to see on paper where my resentments come from. And some of them are very old and very petty. Like being locked out of the bedroom as a child because the 'owner' of that bedroom had a friend over and they didn't want me in there for some reason. I still remember how hurt I felt. And how hurt I still feel. But now there are many things laying on top of that being locked out.
Or how I was never allowed to go skiing as a kid, despite the offer from my aunt and uncle to pay for me. Or not making the volley ball team because I was honest about my forced karate commitment (which is a resentment in and of itself, though I was not hurt that I didn't make the cheer leading squad).
There are many more, but today I know this is not an appropriate medium in which to address my resentments, particularly with names. But this would be a good thing to discuss with my sponsor, and is something that I feel is really holding me back. Or rather, poisoning me.
I need to continue working on my list and explanations. I'm sure it will be an eye opening experience and another reminder that I can turn it all over to god and she'll take care of it.
And really, this is what I do. I think about all the things I could have done different and think about how things could have ended up different. I wonder why people did the things they did, and wonder how honest they were.
So Sunday in Meeting I got the bright idea that I would not only list the people I thought I had resentments against, but WHY. I thought it would be interesting to see on paper where my resentments come from. And some of them are very old and very petty. Like being locked out of the bedroom as a child because the 'owner' of that bedroom had a friend over and they didn't want me in there for some reason. I still remember how hurt I felt. And how hurt I still feel. But now there are many things laying on top of that being locked out.
Or how I was never allowed to go skiing as a kid, despite the offer from my aunt and uncle to pay for me. Or not making the volley ball team because I was honest about my forced karate commitment (which is a resentment in and of itself, though I was not hurt that I didn't make the cheer leading squad).
There are many more, but today I know this is not an appropriate medium in which to address my resentments, particularly with names. But this would be a good thing to discuss with my sponsor, and is something that I feel is really holding me back. Or rather, poisoning me.
I need to continue working on my list and explanations. I'm sure it will be an eye opening experience and another reminder that I can turn it all over to god and she'll take care of it.
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