I'm having an emotional night. Last night was particularly hard too. PMS always catches me off guard. First I get ANGRY. Angry like my dad would get. So angry I scare myself. And then I get sad. Depressed. Full of despair that nothing will ever be right in the world again. And then I realize I'm getting my period. *sigh* At 30, this is something that I feel I should have already mastered. That somehow I've missed a vital instruction every other woman on this planet has been given. But me. And then I start realizing, hey, this happens every month! And that this too shall pass. I don't have anything to be ashamed of (SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything). These are my feelings, and I can have them, but they aren't facts. The world does suck sometimes, but many times it doesn't. Sometimes life is bleak, but many times it isn't. And really, in a few days, I'll feel "normal" again. Whatever that is.
I find it somewhat amazing to see how far I've come in 7 years. I truly have Marched Fourth. But I'm humbled to see how much I still have yet to learn. Humble: to be teachable. Unfortunately, in this moment, I am very unteachable. But at least with 7 years of work, I can see that. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or not. Either way, it's ok.
Things I think I'm better at after 7 years:
-Knowing what I'm ok with. And not ok with.
-Sticking up for myself and asking for what I need.
-Being able to talk myself through more things that scare me.
-Taking chances on the unknown (and with that, some VERY BIG unknowns).
Things that I know I still need to work on:
-Not being scared of other people's anger. It still transports me back to being 12 and being extremely afraid.
-Realizing that I am more than enough most of the time. And when I'm not, that's ok too.
-Asking for what I need. And being ok when those I ask say no.
-Letting go of the past.
I make no claim that I have gotten here on my own, though there are certainly key people who have helped me along the way in various ways. And I know any forward movement will also come with the help of a great many people inside and outside the rooms of Al-Anon. This is 7 years of gratitude and hope.
3.04.2010
1.03.2010
Back in the game
Feeling a little bit giddy and excited right now.
You know when you go to a meeting and you leave feeling exhausted and drained, like you need another meeting to recover from the meeting?
Tonight was *not* one of those nights. The meeting I went to was fabulous. Not in the sense that anything earth shattering was discussed. But more that it was well attended. There were a number of people that it was evident had some serious recovery going on. There were old people and younger people. There was laughter. There was a short group conscious. In essence, it was everything a good meeting is. Recovery.
We talked about fear and false evidence appearing real. And for the first time since I first heard that phrase, I actually understood it in it's entirety. I create scenarios in my head. Generally that's where they stay. Or I think someone is behaving a certain way, but really that's in my head too. And I start to think all this false evidence is real, and then I start to act on it.
I did that hard core last night and it wasn't pretty, for me or the person on the receiving end. But I realized somewhere in the coarse of what was happening last night that I was being irrational and overreacting. So while that stopped it from getting worse, damage was already done. I was already very upset and the other person was likely left wondering what in the hell happened. I'm still not sure I can really explain it to him in a way he would understand, but I at least know what happened.
So, lessons learned: Don't spend all day cleaning out and archiving old blog entries. Especially the ones dealing with exes and depression. It leads to bad thoughts.
When I get frustrated with someone else's behavior, step back and try to make that clear.
Try to learn new ways to explain how my head works and why some things bother me that might not seem important but are to me.
I already can't wait for next Sunday at 7pm.
You know when you go to a meeting and you leave feeling exhausted and drained, like you need another meeting to recover from the meeting?
Tonight was *not* one of those nights. The meeting I went to was fabulous. Not in the sense that anything earth shattering was discussed. But more that it was well attended. There were a number of people that it was evident had some serious recovery going on. There were old people and younger people. There was laughter. There was a short group conscious. In essence, it was everything a good meeting is. Recovery.
We talked about fear and false evidence appearing real. And for the first time since I first heard that phrase, I actually understood it in it's entirety. I create scenarios in my head. Generally that's where they stay. Or I think someone is behaving a certain way, but really that's in my head too. And I start to think all this false evidence is real, and then I start to act on it.
I did that hard core last night and it wasn't pretty, for me or the person on the receiving end. But I realized somewhere in the coarse of what was happening last night that I was being irrational and overreacting. So while that stopped it from getting worse, damage was already done. I was already very upset and the other person was likely left wondering what in the hell happened. I'm still not sure I can really explain it to him in a way he would understand, but I at least know what happened.
So, lessons learned: Don't spend all day cleaning out and archiving old blog entries. Especially the ones dealing with exes and depression. It leads to bad thoughts.
When I get frustrated with someone else's behavior, step back and try to make that clear.
Try to learn new ways to explain how my head works and why some things bother me that might not seem important but are to me.
I already can't wait for next Sunday at 7pm.
10.13.2009
changed attitudes
Changed attitudes
I'm starting to finally grasp just how this can work.
I tend to interpret people's behavior for the worst, especially friends and people I live with. If you don't want to hang out, or don't have time, I assume it's because you don't like me any more or don't want to be my friend.
If you clean up after me, I assume it's a message that you aren't pleased with how I've been taking care of things. And this is a consistent problem I've had with housemates. It isn't to say that I'm always neat and tidy. On the contrary, I know I'm not, but I know that I know and I make sure to tell people that I'm going to be living with not to expect me to be neat and tidy. And that it's usually dishes that are my true weakness.
So my current housemate deals with kitchen stuff different than I do. And I've, as usual, been interpreting it as an unspoken message that I'm not living up to unspoken expectations. And I've been getting pissed.
Right before I left for this weekend I kind of realized I can change my attitude. My housemate is an adult. If she has problems with how I'm doing things in the common space, it is her responsibility to say something to me about it so that we can discuss it. The change in my attitude is trying to realize that maybe she's just doing what she thinks is nice. Maybe she thinks she's being helpful. Maybe it isn't an unspoken passive aggressive movement against how I do things. So I'm going to see if I can put this thought pattern into better use. To see that maybe someone else is trying to do something nice for me rather than being annoyed that things aren't done the way I would do them or want them done.
I'm starting to finally grasp just how this can work.
I tend to interpret people's behavior for the worst, especially friends and people I live with. If you don't want to hang out, or don't have time, I assume it's because you don't like me any more or don't want to be my friend.
If you clean up after me, I assume it's a message that you aren't pleased with how I've been taking care of things. And this is a consistent problem I've had with housemates. It isn't to say that I'm always neat and tidy. On the contrary, I know I'm not, but I know that I know and I make sure to tell people that I'm going to be living with not to expect me to be neat and tidy. And that it's usually dishes that are my true weakness.
So my current housemate deals with kitchen stuff different than I do. And I've, as usual, been interpreting it as an unspoken message that I'm not living up to unspoken expectations. And I've been getting pissed.
Right before I left for this weekend I kind of realized I can change my attitude. My housemate is an adult. If she has problems with how I'm doing things in the common space, it is her responsibility to say something to me about it so that we can discuss it. The change in my attitude is trying to realize that maybe she's just doing what she thinks is nice. Maybe she thinks she's being helpful. Maybe it isn't an unspoken passive aggressive movement against how I do things. So I'm going to see if I can put this thought pattern into better use. To see that maybe someone else is trying to do something nice for me rather than being annoyed that things aren't done the way I would do them or want them done.
9.21.2009
meeting
It's been far too long since I've been to a meeting.
I've let my spiritual health slip too much.
And many of my self-harmful habits are back in full force, and I haven't been noticing it as much. I won't say my bad habits were gone before this slip, but at least I knew what I was doing then. Now I just feel crappy a bunch of the time and don't know why.
Barring illness or emergency, I will be at a 7pm meeting (stupid early town, why the fuck don't we have any 8:30's like the rest of the world??).
I've let my spiritual health slip too much.
And many of my self-harmful habits are back in full force, and I haven't been noticing it as much. I won't say my bad habits were gone before this slip, but at least I knew what I was doing then. Now I just feel crappy a bunch of the time and don't know why.
Barring illness or emergency, I will be at a 7pm meeting (stupid early town, why the fuck don't we have any 8:30's like the rest of the world??).
9.16.2009
6.30.2009
Faith
I struggled this month with coming up with a topic. And it wasn't until literally just a few minutes ago that something came to me. Faith.
I'm a bit stressed right now. I move on Saturday from my current abode (renting a bedroom in a house) to a new place (a two bedroom apartment). Moving in and of itself can be a bit stressful. Add in my character defects, and it adds an entirely new layer of stress. Will enough people show up to help me? Will we get everything moved as quickly as I think we can? Will people hate me after this? Am I asking too much of them?
Then there's the whole issue of paying rent. It's a two bedroom and has a two bedroom rent to go along with it. And I don't have anyone to share it with. Yet. I know I'll find someone because the place is in a desirable neighborhood and is relatively well maintained. And I'm awesome. But I'm still stressed that I won't find someone. And more importantly, that I won't find someone with whom I actually want to live with. I've already had two people answer my craigslist ad, but I'm not too sure of them. My gut tells me no.
So how this connects to faith. As I stood melting butter to add onto my freshly popped popcorn I realized that my higher power has always taken care of my living situation. Why wouldn't she take care of this one? It's hard for me to have faith in something like this, because as we all know, in an alcoholic home, just because something has been one way for a long time doesn't mean it will stay that way. So I'm trying to remember that my Higher Power has taken care of me before, and she'll take care of me again. I'm doing what I can, and leaving what isn't in my control alone. I'm trying to have faith in my Higher Power.
This also shows growth in two areas for me. I have a hard time asking for help. Not with things I know I can't handle, that I'm ok asking for help with. But this move is something that I know if I had to, I could do by myself. And that makes it harder for me to ask for help. I know I don't have to do this alone, nor should I. So I emailed friends and a few have said they'll help me.
The other area of growth is realizing that my Higher Power has indeed taken care of certain things for me. While I've had some interesting living situations, none have been horrible. Living with 7 other people in a house was interesting, and I'm no longer friends with 4 of them, but I'm not irreparably harmed from it. The month I lived with someone I knew from AA was definitely interesting. But it taught me a lot about myself. Especially that I am good at getting myself out of situations that I know aren't good for me. I could also talk about the last place I lived before moving here. I ended up being there for 2 and 1/2 years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents place. It of course wasn't perfect, but was awesome enough that I stayed as long as I did. And my Higher Power led me into each and everyone of those situations (and many more) and took care of me too. It's hard to remember sometimes that I don't do this all on my own.
And there you have it. A bit about where my faith comes from and how I'm trying to keep it in practice. Happy June!
I'm a bit stressed right now. I move on Saturday from my current abode (renting a bedroom in a house) to a new place (a two bedroom apartment). Moving in and of itself can be a bit stressful. Add in my character defects, and it adds an entirely new layer of stress. Will enough people show up to help me? Will we get everything moved as quickly as I think we can? Will people hate me after this? Am I asking too much of them?
Then there's the whole issue of paying rent. It's a two bedroom and has a two bedroom rent to go along with it. And I don't have anyone to share it with. Yet. I know I'll find someone because the place is in a desirable neighborhood and is relatively well maintained. And I'm awesome. But I'm still stressed that I won't find someone. And more importantly, that I won't find someone with whom I actually want to live with. I've already had two people answer my craigslist ad, but I'm not too sure of them. My gut tells me no.
So how this connects to faith. As I stood melting butter to add onto my freshly popped popcorn I realized that my higher power has always taken care of my living situation. Why wouldn't she take care of this one? It's hard for me to have faith in something like this, because as we all know, in an alcoholic home, just because something has been one way for a long time doesn't mean it will stay that way. So I'm trying to remember that my Higher Power has taken care of me before, and she'll take care of me again. I'm doing what I can, and leaving what isn't in my control alone. I'm trying to have faith in my Higher Power.
This also shows growth in two areas for me. I have a hard time asking for help. Not with things I know I can't handle, that I'm ok asking for help with. But this move is something that I know if I had to, I could do by myself. And that makes it harder for me to ask for help. I know I don't have to do this alone, nor should I. So I emailed friends and a few have said they'll help me.
The other area of growth is realizing that my Higher Power has indeed taken care of certain things for me. While I've had some interesting living situations, none have been horrible. Living with 7 other people in a house was interesting, and I'm no longer friends with 4 of them, but I'm not irreparably harmed from it. The month I lived with someone I knew from AA was definitely interesting. But it taught me a lot about myself. Especially that I am good at getting myself out of situations that I know aren't good for me. I could also talk about the last place I lived before moving here. I ended up being there for 2 and 1/2 years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents place. It of course wasn't perfect, but was awesome enough that I stayed as long as I did. And my Higher Power led me into each and everyone of those situations (and many more) and took care of me too. It's hard to remember sometimes that I don't do this all on my own.
And there you have it. A bit about where my faith comes from and how I'm trying to keep it in practice. Happy June!
5.27.2009
Do meeting makers make it?
I realized last night that I'm finally getting over my guilt of not making it meetings. I just don't have the drive to do it here. My schedule for the summer is such that I probably could, but I'm not there yet. The nice thing I thought I realized last night is that I'm probably over my guilt because I don't feel the pressure of needing meetings. Life feels mostly manageable right now. Or so I thought.
As I sat doing slightly mind numbing work this morning, I realized that while life on the whole on the outside is rather manageable right now, life on the inside can still be just as crazy. And that I am dealing with some Crazy right now. I've been trying to plan a trip back to the last city I lived in, visiting some family along the way. I found out a bit ago that some other family would also be in the area and I wanted to try to get my trip to correspond with theirs. But nothing I've done has made this work. And it's made me nuts in more ways than one. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that just as I have been touched by the family disease of alcoholism, so too have these family members. Just because I'm trying my hardest to be on 'good behavior' doesn't mean they are. So instead, I will now start planning my trip as I see fit, without the attempt to plan around these family members. It will help restore me to some sanity.
The other thing this bought up though is some of my character defects. Well, one of my overarching ones that gets others going; the feeling of never being 'enough'. I won't dribble here what my thought pattern has been, but it hasn't been positive and it hasn't been happy. It certainly hasn't been kind nor forgiving. And that right there is probably why I do need a meeting.
Maybe tomorrow.
As I sat doing slightly mind numbing work this morning, I realized that while life on the whole on the outside is rather manageable right now, life on the inside can still be just as crazy. And that I am dealing with some Crazy right now. I've been trying to plan a trip back to the last city I lived in, visiting some family along the way. I found out a bit ago that some other family would also be in the area and I wanted to try to get my trip to correspond with theirs. But nothing I've done has made this work. And it's made me nuts in more ways than one. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that just as I have been touched by the family disease of alcoholism, so too have these family members. Just because I'm trying my hardest to be on 'good behavior' doesn't mean they are. So instead, I will now start planning my trip as I see fit, without the attempt to plan around these family members. It will help restore me to some sanity.
The other thing this bought up though is some of my character defects. Well, one of my overarching ones that gets others going; the feeling of never being 'enough'. I won't dribble here what my thought pattern has been, but it hasn't been positive and it hasn't been happy. It certainly hasn't been kind nor forgiving. And that right there is probably why I do need a meeting.
Maybe tomorrow.
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