I'm having an emotional night. Last night was particularly hard too. PMS always catches me off guard. First I get ANGRY. Angry like my dad would get. So angry I scare myself. And then I get sad. Depressed. Full of despair that nothing will ever be right in the world again. And then I realize I'm getting my period. *sigh* At 30, this is something that I feel I should have already mastered. That somehow I've missed a vital instruction every other woman on this planet has been given. But me. And then I start realizing, hey, this happens every month! And that this too shall pass. I don't have anything to be ashamed of (SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything). These are my feelings, and I can have them, but they aren't facts. The world does suck sometimes, but many times it doesn't. Sometimes life is bleak, but many times it isn't. And really, in a few days, I'll feel "normal" again. Whatever that is.
I find it somewhat amazing to see how far I've come in 7 years. I truly have Marched Fourth. But I'm humbled to see how much I still have yet to learn. Humble: to be teachable. Unfortunately, in this moment, I am very unteachable. But at least with 7 years of work, I can see that. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or not. Either way, it's ok.
Things I think I'm better at after 7 years:
-Knowing what I'm ok with. And not ok with.
-Sticking up for myself and asking for what I need.
-Being able to talk myself through more things that scare me.
-Taking chances on the unknown (and with that, some VERY BIG unknowns).
Things that I know I still need to work on:
-Not being scared of other people's anger. It still transports me back to being 12 and being extremely afraid.
-Realizing that I am more than enough most of the time. And when I'm not, that's ok too.
-Asking for what I need. And being ok when those I ask say no.
-Letting go of the past.
I make no claim that I have gotten here on my own, though there are certainly key people who have helped me along the way in various ways. And I know any forward movement will also come with the help of a great many people inside and outside the rooms of Al-Anon. This is 7 years of gratitude and hope.
3.04.2010
1.03.2010
Back in the game
Feeling a little bit giddy and excited right now.
You know when you go to a meeting and you leave feeling exhausted and drained, like you need another meeting to recover from the meeting?
Tonight was *not* one of those nights. The meeting I went to was fabulous. Not in the sense that anything earth shattering was discussed. But more that it was well attended. There were a number of people that it was evident had some serious recovery going on. There were old people and younger people. There was laughter. There was a short group conscious. In essence, it was everything a good meeting is. Recovery.
We talked about fear and false evidence appearing real. And for the first time since I first heard that phrase, I actually understood it in it's entirety. I create scenarios in my head. Generally that's where they stay. Or I think someone is behaving a certain way, but really that's in my head too. And I start to think all this false evidence is real, and then I start to act on it.
I did that hard core last night and it wasn't pretty, for me or the person on the receiving end. But I realized somewhere in the coarse of what was happening last night that I was being irrational and overreacting. So while that stopped it from getting worse, damage was already done. I was already very upset and the other person was likely left wondering what in the hell happened. I'm still not sure I can really explain it to him in a way he would understand, but I at least know what happened.
So, lessons learned: Don't spend all day cleaning out and archiving old blog entries. Especially the ones dealing with exes and depression. It leads to bad thoughts.
When I get frustrated with someone else's behavior, step back and try to make that clear.
Try to learn new ways to explain how my head works and why some things bother me that might not seem important but are to me.
I already can't wait for next Sunday at 7pm.
You know when you go to a meeting and you leave feeling exhausted and drained, like you need another meeting to recover from the meeting?
Tonight was *not* one of those nights. The meeting I went to was fabulous. Not in the sense that anything earth shattering was discussed. But more that it was well attended. There were a number of people that it was evident had some serious recovery going on. There were old people and younger people. There was laughter. There was a short group conscious. In essence, it was everything a good meeting is. Recovery.
We talked about fear and false evidence appearing real. And for the first time since I first heard that phrase, I actually understood it in it's entirety. I create scenarios in my head. Generally that's where they stay. Or I think someone is behaving a certain way, but really that's in my head too. And I start to think all this false evidence is real, and then I start to act on it.
I did that hard core last night and it wasn't pretty, for me or the person on the receiving end. But I realized somewhere in the coarse of what was happening last night that I was being irrational and overreacting. So while that stopped it from getting worse, damage was already done. I was already very upset and the other person was likely left wondering what in the hell happened. I'm still not sure I can really explain it to him in a way he would understand, but I at least know what happened.
So, lessons learned: Don't spend all day cleaning out and archiving old blog entries. Especially the ones dealing with exes and depression. It leads to bad thoughts.
When I get frustrated with someone else's behavior, step back and try to make that clear.
Try to learn new ways to explain how my head works and why some things bother me that might not seem important but are to me.
I already can't wait for next Sunday at 7pm.
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