Third step work

Quite often in meetings I hear the idea that if I'm having problems with a step, that I should go back to the one before it and work on that one.
I don't consider myself as having problems with my fourth step. I just haven't done it. I don't know why. I don't feel fear surrounding it. But for some reason, I just haven't done it. So its taken me a while to realize that I still have quite a bit of third step work to do.
One thing I've come to realize lately is that I don't trust my higher power as much as I thought I did. I find that I'm still trying to bargain with my higher power. "I'll do this, if you do that." And although on an intellectual level I know thats not how it works, its still what I find myself doing.
This is particularly frustrating in my job search. I feel like I've done all the footwork I can do (I've applied for probably close to 30 positions), but I still don't have any call backs. So I find myself doing weird things thinking its the next thing I need to do, and then I'll get a job. But that hasn't happened yet. I haven't yet figured out how to trust the process, and that my higher power will do whats best for me. Nor have I figured out how to do the process and not worry about the results. I know what results I want, so I'm having a hard time letting go of them too.
In other words, I haven't really turned my will and my life over to the care of my higher power. I don't trust that she's going to give me what I want, so I'm still trying to control it.
Let go and let god.
So simple yet so hard.
Thanks for letting me share.

Experience, Strength, and Hope

Originally this blog was made only so I could comment on someone elses blog. I already have another blog and thought I had no need for this one. As it turns out, I do. My other blog is more of a journal. Its my daily thoughts, how my day was, all that kind of crap. This blog shall be about my recovery. This is the blog I will use to share my experience, strength and hope. The only caveat I place on myself here is that anything I want to type here, I need to be willing to share with my sponsor. I am not allowed to use this as my dumping ground. I have to remember to call people about my problems, not just write about them, as I've done in the past.

I've been going to Al-anon meetings since March 4th, 2003. It is something that has truly saved my life. If there is one thing my other blog is useful for is its view into the past. I started that blog about 7 months before I got into recovery, and it details many of the reasons why I need Al-anon. If I need to be reminded how far I've come, I need only read the first 7 months of that blog.

Where I am today... this is a tough one. I know today that I am doing so much better than I was 3+ years ago. Though I still suffer from depression, it is much less it was "back then" and it is also much less severe. I finally have a sponsor I feel I can work with. I still haven't done a fourth step. I think this is partly because I haven't had anyone I thought I could share my fifth step with.

Today has been about boundries and trying to listen for my Higher Powers will for me. Its tough. I thought I had drawn a pretty firm boundry about my living situation, and now its being challenged. I'm not sure what to do. Is this my Higher Power's message that I should move on? That there is something better for me out there? Or perhaps this is my chance to try a new behavior and try to work through the current problem? I know I have a habit of running from living situation problems. I'd rather move then deal with them usually. But because I just moved here 5 months ago, and my last move was such a pain, I am loath to move again. My sponsor advised me to try and get quiet and to listen for an answer from my Higher Power. I've not been good about that in the past.

Thats it for now. Thanks for letting me share.