HOW?
Honest
Open
Willing
I think I've been pretty honest, at least to my capicity with individuals. I think I've been honest with how I feel, what I'm going through, what I'm trying to do. I also realize I don't have to tell everyone everything, so I think it's been appropriate honesty.
Open I think ties in with honesty for me. If I'm honest, then I'm open. I share how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through.
Willing? Thats a different story. I think I've always have problems with willingness. I don't want to try things a new way. I want to do them whatever way I've done them before and dammit, it will work this time. And thats where I think I'm running into problems right now. I do think there is a smidge of willingness in me, else I wouldn't still be going to meetings, calling my sponsor, working on my fifth step, trying some small new things. But I'm still feeling miserable, and I think it might have something to do with my willingness to take suggestions (hell, half the time I have problems just remembering what suggestions I get). I think my focus for the next few days will be on willingess.
2.28.2007
2.25.2007
expanding my spiritual self
There's a reading, I believe in "Courage to Change" along the lines that one day we wake up to realize that we've been going to the hardware store for bread all these years, and that if we aren't getting what we need, then we need to find somewhere else to get it.
For almost four years now (ok, four years minus one week) Al-Anon has filled what I viewed to be my spiritual needs. I didn't even think I had them before, to have them start getting fulfilled was enormous. But lately that doesn't feel like it's the case. I feel some very big empty holes in me, more my soul I guess, and I don't want to rush in filling them with crap, but it's really uncomfortable. So I've started taking some very small steps to see what I can do to maybe get my needs better met.
A friend pointed out to me recently that Al-Anon isn't supposed to fulfill all those needs. It doesn't address why my friend died, or give me rituals to follow. It does allow me the stength to seek those things out though.
Today was my second Friends meeting. I can't say I have any real desire to be a Quaker, as Christianity doesn't appeal to me on any level. (I guess I should say, Christianity as it is practice by the vast majority of people in the US). But the Quakers hold a certain appeal to me. I like their worship service. I like that no one has tried to coerce me into joining them. Also that I've been left alone at meetings, which I need right now. I like the format of their meetings. But most of all I like some of the basic principles they embody. So for the time being, I'll be trying them on for size. Kind of like the welcome in Al-Anon to the new comer that suggests you try a few meetings before you decide if the program is for you. I'll be trying Quaker meetings for a while, to see if it's for me. This is no way will detract from my already lacking appearance at Al-Anon meetings. I view it as an addition. My searching for a bakery to get bread for my soul that I don't seem to be able to find in Al-Anon.
For almost four years now (ok, four years minus one week) Al-Anon has filled what I viewed to be my spiritual needs. I didn't even think I had them before, to have them start getting fulfilled was enormous. But lately that doesn't feel like it's the case. I feel some very big empty holes in me, more my soul I guess, and I don't want to rush in filling them with crap, but it's really uncomfortable. So I've started taking some very small steps to see what I can do to maybe get my needs better met.
A friend pointed out to me recently that Al-Anon isn't supposed to fulfill all those needs. It doesn't address why my friend died, or give me rituals to follow. It does allow me the stength to seek those things out though.
Today was my second Friends meeting. I can't say I have any real desire to be a Quaker, as Christianity doesn't appeal to me on any level. (I guess I should say, Christianity as it is practice by the vast majority of people in the US). But the Quakers hold a certain appeal to me. I like their worship service. I like that no one has tried to coerce me into joining them. Also that I've been left alone at meetings, which I need right now. I like the format of their meetings. But most of all I like some of the basic principles they embody. So for the time being, I'll be trying them on for size. Kind of like the welcome in Al-Anon to the new comer that suggests you try a few meetings before you decide if the program is for you. I'll be trying Quaker meetings for a while, to see if it's for me. This is no way will detract from my already lacking appearance at Al-Anon meetings. I view it as an addition. My searching for a bakery to get bread for my soul that I don't seem to be able to find in Al-Anon.
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