old tapes

I have some very old tapes playing in my head tonight. I'm not quite sure when they were made, but they are very familiar. I almost wish I could transcribe them and include them as part of my fourth step. As further proof that I am my own worst enemy. That its what I tell myself that hurts me the most. These tapes... they make me afraid. They make me want to run and hide. From myself.
I find my fear paralyzing. The at least: at least I recognize that it is because of my fears that I do certain things. I sit paralyzed and play free cell. But at least these days I know that I sit playing free cell because I'm afraid of doing something. Why bother trying if I'm not going to succeed? What if I do succeed? But if I let myself be paralyzed by fear... I can't take the next right step.
I find myself fighting the "fairness". Its not fair that he's getting his due before I'm getting mine. But I also have to remind myself of all the crap he's gone through. And then realize that there is no reason to compare myself to him. His struggles are and have been, different from mine. I have my own battles to fight. Some I have won.
grad school
marriage
children
tears
success
failure
why can't i just be accepted and accept myself for exactly who i am, right now, as is?
what if i don't make it?

Forgiveness

I've heard it said in meetings that "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past".
And its also times like these I am reminded why "carrying the message" is so important.
Often times when people talk to me, what I end up saying to them is what I need to hear.
I can't change the past. I can only accept it for what it is and move on.
I can't change what other people did to me. I can't change what I did to other people. I can't change what I've done to myself.
Thats a hard one.

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Between two meetings today, and an interesting afternoon, I've had an interesting day overall.
I "started" my day with a noon, and then called someone with whom I have not been in contact in a while. She's interested to start coming to Al-Anon. And with that I found myself slipping back into an old habit, which I doubt I'd broken, but that I hadn't really realized I was still doing until today.
An old habit I have is to rearrange myself for the alcoholic (really, for almost anyone) if they even mention doing something together. And I found myself doing that today. This old friend suggested getting together at some point today, but had to call me back about it. I found myself doing all sorts of crazy stuff because of my indecision then. This includes finally deciding to go home for lunch, getting on the bus, changing my mind two stops later, getting off the bus to walk back to the metro so I could metro/bus to get pupusas, going all the way down into the metro, and changing my mind, realizing how insane I was begin, and going all the way back up to ground level to check the bus home so I could eat lunch. It was crazy. But tonights meeting really bought into focus how much I'll bend over backwards to "spend time" with someone. Even if there are no defininte plans, just a suggestion. Thankfully today I can laugh about this and not be resentful at my friend for "not following through" (on plans we hadn't even made).
Right now, in this moment, I feel good. Good enough to work more on my fourth step :)