There is a reading, I'm not sure which daily reader it is in, though I'm pretty sure it's "Courage to Change", that talks about self care. In it, it talks about how when you are on an airplane, if there is an emergency, you are to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help other people. It extends this to your daily life. You can't help anyone else unless you are taking care of yourself first.
This season I'm working on putting on my financial oxygen mask.
I remember a few times as a kid when my family received 'donations' from the community. One Thanksgiving and Christmas we came home to find a box full of food on our door stop. The same church sent presents for me one year. I remember getting fee waivers in school for AP tests. And I remember my mom talking about the food pantry a few years ago and the types of food she felt okay taking from there. Our family has definitely felt the kind hand of others.
And I can't help but want to give back. I want so much this year to donate to the Capital Area Foodbank, and to DC Central Kitchen, and So Others Might Eat, but donating funds would be financially irresponsible. I still owe $3000 in credit card debt. My own financial oxygen mask isn't quite on yet, and it would be irresponsible for me to try to help someone else out financially right now.
I'm trying to make peace with this.
This morning/afternoon I spent two hours folding and stacking boxes and folding and stuffing info cards into envelopes. The Quaker meeting I go to does something called the Shoebox project. Tomorrow they will take these boxes and stuff them with socks, underwear, gloves, hats, etc, and the info cards, and they will be given to local organizations that handle the homeless in DC. I can't give money this year, but I can give time. And I'm thankful that I can even give back in that way. I don't view my childhood as having been impoverished, and I know it could have been so much worse. I couldn't imagine being homeless or hungry on a daily basis. So while I can't give money to all the organization that do amazing work in DC, I can give them my time, much like people did for my family. It isn't much, but it is what I can give right now. For that, I am grateful.
And I'm grateful that I've almost finished putting on my financial oxygen mask.
12.15.2007
12.04.2007
So it goes
I wish there were something eloquent I could say about death. I wish there were something I could write that would make the pain of death go away. But I don't feel I'm really capable of either.
Prior to this year, there were only really two deaths that truly touched my life. Uncle John died when I was in elementary school (I'd like to say 1987, but I'm not quite sure). I remember going over to my aunt and uncle's apartment and I remember being there with my cousins when they told us. I remember parts of the flight to Florida and have a couple of random snippets of memory from being there, but not much else.
So it goes.
My younger cousin Keith died last year. Although it was by no means a shock, it was amazing that he had survived that long, we all knew that it would happen sooner rather than later.
So it goes.
Sarah has been dead now for a bit over 10 months. Although her death is no longer an ever present thought overwhelming me every day like it used to, I still think about her frequently. I still find it extremely hard to grasp that she is gone. That I will NEVER see her again. This isn't some trip she's gone on, to come back and tell me of her adventures. This isn't a new life out west for her and her husband. She isn't here any more. When I do think about her, I am still overcome with grief and sorrow and regret. I wish there were something I could find comfort in, but so far it hasn't materialized.
So it goes.
Last week a program friend passed away. Today was his funeral and I'm glad I went. His funeral was truly a celebration of his life. Although I knew there would be a lot of people there, it amazed me that the church was packed. I'm sure if everyone I could hear talking in the hallway had tried to come into the sanctuary to sit, it would have been standing room only. What I would like most to carry with me that I learned from Alvin, and that all four people who spoke about him said, is the ability to be kind and truly present. To truly give of oneself. I remember quite a few years ago, after the Friday evening meeting, a few were getting ready to go out to dinner as we usually did. For whatever reason, that week I just didn't have money to eat out. Alvin insisted that he would pay for me. I dislike 'gifts' like these. I prefer to pay my own way and can be very stubborn about it. But Alvin wouldn't hear it, so off we all went to dinner. I've never forgotten his kindness.
So it goes.
A program friend's mom died this week. If there were any woman who I've met who I could say put up a good fight, it is she. I didn't get to meet her until this summer when she was already quite ill, but even in that state I could see the shear amount of spirit she exuded. I know she will be missed by many people.
So it goes.
I know logically that we all will die eventually. It really is the only thing certain in life. I know someone said the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. But if you really think about it, even taxes aren't certain. But death is. And so I still grieve in sobs and wails and tears and anger, not quite understanding what is happening in my head. Still not quite sure how to stop the tears once they start. Still wishing that I'd get a call, inviting me to dinner, because Sarah is in town again.
Prior to this year, there were only really two deaths that truly touched my life. Uncle John died when I was in elementary school (I'd like to say 1987, but I'm not quite sure). I remember going over to my aunt and uncle's apartment and I remember being there with my cousins when they told us. I remember parts of the flight to Florida and have a couple of random snippets of memory from being there, but not much else.
So it goes.
My younger cousin Keith died last year. Although it was by no means a shock, it was amazing that he had survived that long, we all knew that it would happen sooner rather than later.
So it goes.
Sarah has been dead now for a bit over 10 months. Although her death is no longer an ever present thought overwhelming me every day like it used to, I still think about her frequently. I still find it extremely hard to grasp that she is gone. That I will NEVER see her again. This isn't some trip she's gone on, to come back and tell me of her adventures. This isn't a new life out west for her and her husband. She isn't here any more. When I do think about her, I am still overcome with grief and sorrow and regret. I wish there were something I could find comfort in, but so far it hasn't materialized.
So it goes.
Last week a program friend passed away. Today was his funeral and I'm glad I went. His funeral was truly a celebration of his life. Although I knew there would be a lot of people there, it amazed me that the church was packed. I'm sure if everyone I could hear talking in the hallway had tried to come into the sanctuary to sit, it would have been standing room only. What I would like most to carry with me that I learned from Alvin, and that all four people who spoke about him said, is the ability to be kind and truly present. To truly give of oneself. I remember quite a few years ago, after the Friday evening meeting, a few were getting ready to go out to dinner as we usually did. For whatever reason, that week I just didn't have money to eat out. Alvin insisted that he would pay for me. I dislike 'gifts' like these. I prefer to pay my own way and can be very stubborn about it. But Alvin wouldn't hear it, so off we all went to dinner. I've never forgotten his kindness.
So it goes.
A program friend's mom died this week. If there were any woman who I've met who I could say put up a good fight, it is she. I didn't get to meet her until this summer when she was already quite ill, but even in that state I could see the shear amount of spirit she exuded. I know she will be missed by many people.
So it goes.
I know logically that we all will die eventually. It really is the only thing certain in life. I know someone said the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. But if you really think about it, even taxes aren't certain. But death is. And so I still grieve in sobs and wails and tears and anger, not quite understanding what is happening in my head. Still not quite sure how to stop the tears once they start. Still wishing that I'd get a call, inviting me to dinner, because Sarah is in town again.
11.25.2007
trust and faith
My goal is to start posting weekly here. We'll see how that goes.
I wrote this in meeting a few weeks ago. I thought this would be a good start for my weekly posting.
Step 7 states "Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." This step assumes a few things. It assumes that I have given over my will and my life in step 3. It assumes that I trust that I have a loving and caring Higher Power and that I trust that that HP cares about and for me. It supports me with my best interest at heart. But what if I don't have HP like that? What does that look like? It means that I am hesitant to entrust my will and my life to that HP. It means I see little use in prayer, because why would I pray to something that I don't really think will help me? It means that I don't have faith that I will be taken care of. How can I overcome this? I'm not entirely sure, but I have a few ideas, many of them based on the idea "Fake it til you make it." I can pretend I have a loving HP and I can pray to that HP. I can pray to be shown that that HP does care for me and have my best interests at heart. I can use my God can and physically turn over my concerns and worries. I can pretend that life will be ok and that I will be taken care of, letting go of my fear of the future. I can keep going to meetings and listen to how other people came to trust their HP. I can seek spiritual answers that come from outside of me. But perhaps most important, I can be willing and open to the ideas that come to me and be willing to try them.
I wrote this in meeting a few weeks ago. I thought this would be a good start for my weekly posting.
Step 7 states "Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." This step assumes a few things. It assumes that I have given over my will and my life in step 3. It assumes that I trust that I have a loving and caring Higher Power and that I trust that that HP cares about and for me. It supports me with my best interest at heart. But what if I don't have HP like that? What does that look like? It means that I am hesitant to entrust my will and my life to that HP. It means I see little use in prayer, because why would I pray to something that I don't really think will help me? It means that I don't have faith that I will be taken care of. How can I overcome this? I'm not entirely sure, but I have a few ideas, many of them based on the idea "Fake it til you make it." I can pretend I have a loving HP and I can pray to that HP. I can pray to be shown that that HP does care for me and have my best interests at heart. I can use my God can and physically turn over my concerns and worries. I can pretend that life will be ok and that I will be taken care of, letting go of my fear of the future. I can keep going to meetings and listen to how other people came to trust their HP. I can seek spiritual answers that come from outside of me. But perhaps most important, I can be willing and open to the ideas that come to me and be willing to try them.
10.31.2007
surrender is not suicidal
I really want to order the new grief book, but I also don't want to spend $7 on shipping for a $14 book. But no one around here seems to have it... Annoying.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly surround my higher power, who isn't always the same as God to me. Somehow when I think about it, it's like God and my Higher Power are two different entities, both of which I think (sometimes) exist. It's almost as if I think my Higher Power is my personal advocate, looking out for my interests. But God is something else removed from me, something that is also a Power greater than me, but different from my Higher Power. But perhaps more importantly, I don't think God has much care for me or my plight on this planet.
I started reading about step three because that feels like where I'm stuck. I came across these lines in "From Survival to Recovery" in the step three section:
-"Fear of surrendering the defenses that we managed to create during our formative years - after all they at least kept us alive - can make the third step appear quite perilous."
-"Slowly, little by little, we release our fierce grip on control and discover that surrender is not suicidal."
The third step in its entirety does seem quite perilous to me. I've managed this long, albeit in pain, why can't I just keep going? Maybe the pain will go away one day...
But I know if I want this program to really work for me, it doesn't work like this. I have to give up my illusion of control. And it does feel suicidal to me. I like being in control. I like at least to know what the plan is, whats going to happen, what will be done. It's hard for me to face life without that information because plans make me feel safe. They let me know what I can expect. And it's probably the unexpected that I dread. Because I haven't planned for it. That fear of the unknown is unremitting in me. How can I trust when that trust has been betrayed so many times in the past? How can I trust when I've been hurt so much in the past?
I know I need to let go, but I don't know how.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly surround my higher power, who isn't always the same as God to me. Somehow when I think about it, it's like God and my Higher Power are two different entities, both of which I think (sometimes) exist. It's almost as if I think my Higher Power is my personal advocate, looking out for my interests. But God is something else removed from me, something that is also a Power greater than me, but different from my Higher Power. But perhaps more importantly, I don't think God has much care for me or my plight on this planet.
I started reading about step three because that feels like where I'm stuck. I came across these lines in "From Survival to Recovery" in the step three section:
-"Fear of surrendering the defenses that we managed to create during our formative years - after all they at least kept us alive - can make the third step appear quite perilous."
-"Slowly, little by little, we release our fierce grip on control and discover that surrender is not suicidal."
The third step in its entirety does seem quite perilous to me. I've managed this long, albeit in pain, why can't I just keep going? Maybe the pain will go away one day...
But I know if I want this program to really work for me, it doesn't work like this. I have to give up my illusion of control. And it does feel suicidal to me. I like being in control. I like at least to know what the plan is, whats going to happen, what will be done. It's hard for me to face life without that information because plans make me feel safe. They let me know what I can expect. And it's probably the unexpected that I dread. Because I haven't planned for it. That fear of the unknown is unremitting in me. How can I trust when that trust has been betrayed so many times in the past? How can I trust when I've been hurt so much in the past?
I know I need to let go, but I don't know how.
9.23.2007
"We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery."
Changed attitudes. Thats something that sounds so easy, yet is to profoundly hard for me to grasp. I know logically that changing how I view life can help me recover, and that it would probably help me feel better. But I run into the "How?" problem. I see very little instruction on how to change my attitudes.
Not sure where I'm going with this, so I'll let the idea percolate a bit more and maybe right more later.
Oh, also for me to think about:
Honest
Active
Lively
Tolerant
Changed attitudes. Thats something that sounds so easy, yet is to profoundly hard for me to grasp. I know logically that changing how I view life can help me recover, and that it would probably help me feel better. But I run into the "How?" problem. I see very little instruction on how to change my attitudes.
Not sure where I'm going with this, so I'll let the idea percolate a bit more and maybe right more later.
Oh, also for me to think about:
Honest
Active
Lively
Tolerant
6.21.2007
Step 6
I think I might get it, step 6. The step itself makes little sense to me the way it is written. The June "The Forum" has an article on step 6, it's the last one in the magazine. These are a few quotes of what particularly stuck out to me:
"trust the process"
"My defect or defects may become so exaggerated that I find it becomes too painful to go on living with them."
"I can choose to muddle through the way I have in the past, or I can choose to ready myself for God's help. I can choose to be open to a new way."
And it is that last sentence that really drove it home for me. Do I want a new life or am I happy with the one I have now? Obviously I am not happy with the life I have now. If I were, I wouldn't need meetings. Am I ready for a new way of life? I think I just might be. I've been doing things lately that I've always done, and it's been pissing the hell out of me. Or rather, I'm doing things I've always done, and it really bothers me that I'm still doing them. I can't remove my character defects myself. I want a new way of life.
I think I get it.
"trust the process"
"My defect or defects may become so exaggerated that I find it becomes too painful to go on living with them."
"I can choose to muddle through the way I have in the past, or I can choose to ready myself for God's help. I can choose to be open to a new way."
And it is that last sentence that really drove it home for me. Do I want a new life or am I happy with the one I have now? Obviously I am not happy with the life I have now. If I were, I wouldn't need meetings. Am I ready for a new way of life? I think I just might be. I've been doing things lately that I've always done, and it's been pissing the hell out of me. Or rather, I'm doing things I've always done, and it really bothers me that I'm still doing them. I can't remove my character defects myself. I want a new way of life.
I think I get it.
5.26.2007
New behavior
New behavior is hard. Especially when it's deeply entrenched, in you and in society. And even more so when it's good for you. I know some of my triggers. Certain songs are still hard for me to hear. I find particular people hard to be around because they remind me of past relationships. But certain kinds of movies can send me spiraling. I started watching "Must Love Dogs" tonight when I got home from the meeting I went to (Saturday nights are often reserved for an open AA meeting I like). I'm sure "Must Love Dogs" is a wonderful story. But these days, I know those kinds of movies aren't good for me. They almost always make me cry. Even the "happy" ones. So I turned it OFF. Thats right, off. I have better things to do with my time than to watch movies that I know will upset me. If I know it upsets me, I can do something to change my actions so that I don't get as upset. So I turned the TV off. And now here I am. Exhausted, freshly showered, and ready to go to bed soon. And oh so glad that I turned the TV off, because it means I'm not going to bed crying.
5.24.2007
step 6?
Still not feeling the progress. I've written a bunch of stuff down about step 6, or rather questions that I can't answer for myself. I really need to call my sponsor, as it would probably be good for me. I really want to move forward. I want to feel better.
Somewhere, in one of the pieces of literature, there is a quote I love "Getting better doesn't always mean feeling better."
That is all.
Somewhere, in one of the pieces of literature, there is a quote I love "Getting better doesn't always mean feeling better."
That is all.
4.01.2007
progress, I guess
I finished my fifth step last week. Unlike what I've heard many other people say, and against pretty much everything I've read, I don't feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I still feel just as wretched. Maybe even a little worse because all that crap is now at the surface. It feels like my skin, just a big gaping wound.
Maybe thats why I don't feel like doing anything today.
Maybe thats why I don't feel like doing anything today.
3.04.2007
Happy Anniversary AND Happy Birthday
A bit over five years ago, I met a man who would change my life in ways I didn't even know was possible.
Four years ago today, I made a decision that changed my life entirely.
Some days I have problems seeing my progress, but then I remember what I used to be like. I still remember what I felt like that night over four years ago when I asked "Well then what the hell am I supposed to do?" And thanks to my blog, I can remember many other feelings from the year before that, and the following four years up to today.
I have friends today like no other friends I have ever had in my life.
I know myself better than I ever have.
I know that this too shall pass.
I also have a sense of peace, though fleeting some days, that I didn't have prior.
For all of these things and so much more, I am grateful.
Happy Birthday Lois W :)
Four years ago today, I made a decision that changed my life entirely.
Some days I have problems seeing my progress, but then I remember what I used to be like. I still remember what I felt like that night over four years ago when I asked "Well then what the hell am I supposed to do?" And thanks to my blog, I can remember many other feelings from the year before that, and the following four years up to today.
I have friends today like no other friends I have ever had in my life.
I know myself better than I ever have.
I know that this too shall pass.
I also have a sense of peace, though fleeting some days, that I didn't have prior.
For all of these things and so much more, I am grateful.
Happy Birthday Lois W :)
2.28.2007
HOW?
HOW?
Honest
Open
Willing
I think I've been pretty honest, at least to my capicity with individuals. I think I've been honest with how I feel, what I'm going through, what I'm trying to do. I also realize I don't have to tell everyone everything, so I think it's been appropriate honesty.
Open I think ties in with honesty for me. If I'm honest, then I'm open. I share how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through.
Willing? Thats a different story. I think I've always have problems with willingness. I don't want to try things a new way. I want to do them whatever way I've done them before and dammit, it will work this time. And thats where I think I'm running into problems right now. I do think there is a smidge of willingness in me, else I wouldn't still be going to meetings, calling my sponsor, working on my fifth step, trying some small new things. But I'm still feeling miserable, and I think it might have something to do with my willingness to take suggestions (hell, half the time I have problems just remembering what suggestions I get). I think my focus for the next few days will be on willingess.
Honest
Open
Willing
I think I've been pretty honest, at least to my capicity with individuals. I think I've been honest with how I feel, what I'm going through, what I'm trying to do. I also realize I don't have to tell everyone everything, so I think it's been appropriate honesty.
Open I think ties in with honesty for me. If I'm honest, then I'm open. I share how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what I'm going through.
Willing? Thats a different story. I think I've always have problems with willingness. I don't want to try things a new way. I want to do them whatever way I've done them before and dammit, it will work this time. And thats where I think I'm running into problems right now. I do think there is a smidge of willingness in me, else I wouldn't still be going to meetings, calling my sponsor, working on my fifth step, trying some small new things. But I'm still feeling miserable, and I think it might have something to do with my willingness to take suggestions (hell, half the time I have problems just remembering what suggestions I get). I think my focus for the next few days will be on willingess.
2.25.2007
expanding my spiritual self
There's a reading, I believe in "Courage to Change" along the lines that one day we wake up to realize that we've been going to the hardware store for bread all these years, and that if we aren't getting what we need, then we need to find somewhere else to get it.
For almost four years now (ok, four years minus one week) Al-Anon has filled what I viewed to be my spiritual needs. I didn't even think I had them before, to have them start getting fulfilled was enormous. But lately that doesn't feel like it's the case. I feel some very big empty holes in me, more my soul I guess, and I don't want to rush in filling them with crap, but it's really uncomfortable. So I've started taking some very small steps to see what I can do to maybe get my needs better met.
A friend pointed out to me recently that Al-Anon isn't supposed to fulfill all those needs. It doesn't address why my friend died, or give me rituals to follow. It does allow me the stength to seek those things out though.
Today was my second Friends meeting. I can't say I have any real desire to be a Quaker, as Christianity doesn't appeal to me on any level. (I guess I should say, Christianity as it is practice by the vast majority of people in the US). But the Quakers hold a certain appeal to me. I like their worship service. I like that no one has tried to coerce me into joining them. Also that I've been left alone at meetings, which I need right now. I like the format of their meetings. But most of all I like some of the basic principles they embody. So for the time being, I'll be trying them on for size. Kind of like the welcome in Al-Anon to the new comer that suggests you try a few meetings before you decide if the program is for you. I'll be trying Quaker meetings for a while, to see if it's for me. This is no way will detract from my already lacking appearance at Al-Anon meetings. I view it as an addition. My searching for a bakery to get bread for my soul that I don't seem to be able to find in Al-Anon.
For almost four years now (ok, four years minus one week) Al-Anon has filled what I viewed to be my spiritual needs. I didn't even think I had them before, to have them start getting fulfilled was enormous. But lately that doesn't feel like it's the case. I feel some very big empty holes in me, more my soul I guess, and I don't want to rush in filling them with crap, but it's really uncomfortable. So I've started taking some very small steps to see what I can do to maybe get my needs better met.
A friend pointed out to me recently that Al-Anon isn't supposed to fulfill all those needs. It doesn't address why my friend died, or give me rituals to follow. It does allow me the stength to seek those things out though.
Today was my second Friends meeting. I can't say I have any real desire to be a Quaker, as Christianity doesn't appeal to me on any level. (I guess I should say, Christianity as it is practice by the vast majority of people in the US). But the Quakers hold a certain appeal to me. I like their worship service. I like that no one has tried to coerce me into joining them. Also that I've been left alone at meetings, which I need right now. I like the format of their meetings. But most of all I like some of the basic principles they embody. So for the time being, I'll be trying them on for size. Kind of like the welcome in Al-Anon to the new comer that suggests you try a few meetings before you decide if the program is for you. I'll be trying Quaker meetings for a while, to see if it's for me. This is no way will detract from my already lacking appearance at Al-Anon meetings. I view it as an addition. My searching for a bakery to get bread for my soul that I don't seem to be able to find in Al-Anon.
1.23.2007
Grief
I often find in writing, as in meetings, that I know what I want to say, but don't know how to say it. It comes out in snipits.
Spiritual space. Spiritual space from my character defects. Spiritual space from my desire to isolate. Being given the strength to make phone calls. To realize that I don't have to face this grief alone. I can call program and non-program friends. I can ask people to be with me. I can grieve in wails, sobs, sniffles and stares into space. I can ask my Higher Power to give me the strength to be carried through this lose. I can share with other people. About how I feel. What I remember of her. And my tears. I can also share hugs, and let people know that I love them, because we never say it enough, do we? I love you. Three little words that carry so much weight, that many of us are afraid to say them. Afraid that the person listening won't hear what we mean when we say them. I love you. Three little words each of my family (blood and chosen) should hear from me, because I love each and everyone of them. Some of them in a very special way. I wonder if I start telling my friends this, how they'll take it. I tell my parents at the end of every phone call. I tell few friends.
Today, unlike four years ago, I know I don't have to face this alone. That I can ask other people how they have gotten through grief and lose, and I can share with others how I'm getting through. I can ask for help. I also know that staying up late and lamenting the whole night won't help anyone, especially me.
Spiritual space. Spiritual space from my character defects. Spiritual space from my desire to isolate. Being given the strength to make phone calls. To realize that I don't have to face this grief alone. I can call program and non-program friends. I can ask people to be with me. I can grieve in wails, sobs, sniffles and stares into space. I can ask my Higher Power to give me the strength to be carried through this lose. I can share with other people. About how I feel. What I remember of her. And my tears. I can also share hugs, and let people know that I love them, because we never say it enough, do we? I love you. Three little words that carry so much weight, that many of us are afraid to say them. Afraid that the person listening won't hear what we mean when we say them. I love you. Three little words each of my family (blood and chosen) should hear from me, because I love each and everyone of them. Some of them in a very special way. I wonder if I start telling my friends this, how they'll take it. I tell my parents at the end of every phone call. I tell few friends.
Today, unlike four years ago, I know I don't have to face this alone. That I can ask other people how they have gotten through grief and lose, and I can share with others how I'm getting through. I can ask for help. I also know that staying up late and lamenting the whole night won't help anyone, especially me.
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