Head Games

I have certain games I like to play, usually by myself, in my head, involving other people. Lots of 'what-ifs' games. And I think I might finally not only be tired with it, but I'm also realizing how unhealthy it is. All this was an awakening based on a cute boy who often rides the same bus as I. We've only chatted twice (the week before last), but I've seen him a number of times before. When I saw him at his stop this morning (I get on much earlier than he does), I found myself setting up one of my old games. I'll test him. He'll get on the bus, I'll pretend to be lost in space staring out the window (someone was sitting next to me) and see what he does. Will he say hi? Will acknowledge me? A common game I play. How unhealthy!

I did this with The Alcoholic too, but at a much deeper level. "If he really loves me, and I do this, he'll do that, then I'll know he cares." But it was all unspoken expectations that I was almost always disappointed by when they weren't met because he didn't know I wanted them met. And really, it took the focus off of myself. If I want something done, then I need to be clear and reasonable about that expectation. AND I need to take care of myself in the process. If I want the cute boy on the bus to talk to me, the healthy thing to do is to open myself to the possibility AND make myself open to him, ie, not ignore him and see what he does. I need to stop playing head games with myself. Even healthier would be to talk to him and see where my Higher Power leads me. Stop trying to control what I can't control, see what happens when I left go.

6 years!

I feel like I should be posting something well thought out and earth shattering today. Today marks me attending meetings for 6 years. 6 years! I find that simple fact amazing. I've stuck with this to one degree or another for 6 years.
But unfortunately I have nothing thought out or earth shattering today. I have an allergist appointment Friday and haven't had any antihistamine type things this week. It's left me quite exhausted and a bit foggy headed. So in the vain of self care, I will forgive myself right now for not having a well thought out and earth shattering post for you all on my anniversary. Maybe another day this month.