Grief

Grief is something I've struggled with a lot this year. Tuesday is the first anniversary of Sarah's death. It still feels like last week, answering the phone call from Dave to hear the news. And calling Megan to make sure she knew, and Dan calling me to make sure I knew.

I think the hardest part of grief for me as a process is that there is no instruction booklet. People can suggest to me what has worked for them. I can read books and websites about what works for many people. I can read about research on grief. But there are no guarantees. No one can tell me with 100% certainty what will work for me. This past year it has meant spending quite a bit of time by myself, mostly at home. It has produced a lot of tears and the headaches to go along with them. I haven't read much. I haven't seen many movies. I haven't gone too many places. I've hung out with friends less. I've spent more time with Rascal.

Just for Today, I am tired of living this way. I want to move forward, but I don't know how.

Responsibility and Happiness

A long timer asked me last night if I would lead this coming Monday on a topic from the new Blueprint for Progress. I said yes right off the bat. Partly because I can talk about how I did mine, but also because I haven't led in a long time and I could really use it. How did I do my fourth step you ask? I created a document in Word for each section and typed in every single question, then answered them. When I considered each section complete, I printed it. Thats me for you.

When I got home last night from the meeting I sat right down and started going through my printed sheets looking for what I should lead on. And one question jumped right out at me. I'm too lazy right now to run upstairs and get the actual question, but it pertains to the idea that we are responsible for our own happiness. I find this concept EXTREMELY difficult to grasp. I know there are certain things in my life that I can do that I enjoy and that bring happiness into my life, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I have very little control over my happiness. I can see ways that I can abate my anger, but not increase my happiness.

I found a reading in "Hope for Today" that I'll use in my lead. It's somewhere in the month of Dec, and all I remember right now is that the thought for the day is "What can I change so I can be happy? Is this realistic?" This question doesn't ask "What can I change so I WILL be happy?", but what I CAN change. What can I change? I've heard a lot of people talk about attitudes. And someone in the meeting last night said that for her, alcoholism was a disease of attitudes. And really, that is what this is all about for me. My attitudes are fucked up. Somewhere I learned the thought pattern that life sucks. So my dad at least had it partially right, I do have a pissy attitude, but it isn't in the way that he's always berated me for.

Wrap all of this up in a nice pretty package and we begin to see that I DO see myself as a victim. Not necessarily that anyone has done anything specific to me, but that "life" is out to get me. The feeling that life just sucks and why should I try feeling any different?

I'm not sure what my answers are to this quandary, but as something else I read last night said, I do have answers, just not for the questions I have.

Resentment

Resentment: a poison I take hoping I'll hurt someone else.
And really, this is what I do. I think about all the things I could have done different and think about how things could have ended up different. I wonder why people did the things they did, and wonder how honest they were.
So Sunday in Meeting I got the bright idea that I would not only list the people I thought I had resentments against, but WHY. I thought it would be interesting to see on paper where my resentments come from. And some of them are very old and very petty. Like being locked out of the bedroom as a child because the 'owner' of that bedroom had a friend over and they didn't want me in there for some reason. I still remember how hurt I felt. And how hurt I still feel. But now there are many things laying on top of that being locked out.
Or how I was never allowed to go skiing as a kid, despite the offer from my aunt and uncle to pay for me. Or not making the volley ball team because I was honest about my forced karate commitment (which is a resentment in and of itself, though I was not hurt that I didn't make the cheer leading squad).
There are many more, but today I know this is not an appropriate medium in which to address my resentments, particularly with names. But this would be a good thing to discuss with my sponsor, and is something that I feel is really holding me back. Or rather, poisoning me.
I need to continue working on my list and explanations. I'm sure it will be an eye opening experience and another reminder that I can turn it all over to god and she'll take care of it.