Resentment

Resentment: a poison I take hoping I'll hurt someone else.
And really, this is what I do. I think about all the things I could have done different and think about how things could have ended up different. I wonder why people did the things they did, and wonder how honest they were.
So Sunday in Meeting I got the bright idea that I would not only list the people I thought I had resentments against, but WHY. I thought it would be interesting to see on paper where my resentments come from. And some of them are very old and very petty. Like being locked out of the bedroom as a child because the 'owner' of that bedroom had a friend over and they didn't want me in there for some reason. I still remember how hurt I felt. And how hurt I still feel. But now there are many things laying on top of that being locked out.
Or how I was never allowed to go skiing as a kid, despite the offer from my aunt and uncle to pay for me. Or not making the volley ball team because I was honest about my forced karate commitment (which is a resentment in and of itself, though I was not hurt that I didn't make the cheer leading squad).
There are many more, but today I know this is not an appropriate medium in which to address my resentments, particularly with names. But this would be a good thing to discuss with my sponsor, and is something that I feel is really holding me back. Or rather, poisoning me.
I need to continue working on my list and explanations. I'm sure it will be an eye opening experience and another reminder that I can turn it all over to god and she'll take care of it.