Making meetings, or not

I’ve always been of the mindset that meeting makers make it. I’m pretty sure I picked this up from going to AA meetings, as I’m sure I’ve never heard it in Al-anon meetings. And its something that I’ve agreed with and understood the concept behind. Needless to say, I haven’t been making it to meetings lately (I think I'm hitting a week and a half right now). I realized on the way home the other day that by stressing to get my work done at work, get home, get dinner cooked, get fed, and out to a meeting, I was loosing a lot of serenity. So it made sense to me to lower my priority of going to meetings. But I felt guilty about it. Until this weekend. I had my second fifth step meeting with my sponsor, and towards the end she made the comment that I was working a good program. I had the reaction of “Even if I’m not really going to meetings right now?” And the answer was yes. I’m not going to meetings not because I’m avoiding someone, isolating, or just sitting at home on my ass. I’m actually taking better care of myself by not going to meetings. I still do other things. I write about it. I (occasionally) pick up literature. I call people and talk to them. I haven’t had much particular to talk about lately, but I’m still talking to program friends regularly. I’ve also been dealing with my fifth (and I guess sixth) step(s). My brain most certainly has not stopped thinking about program things. If anything, I think about them in a more conscious manner.

And now? I no longer feel guilty about my lack of meeting attendance lately.

I haven't forgotten about this blog. Nor have I stopped working my program. I just haven't had anything to write. I'm in the process of my 5th step. I have a second meeting with my sponsor next weekend.
Though I do have to say that I haven't been making enough meetings (nor getting my anti-stree, anti-depressed, don't nap so much, supplement, so I'm sure thats affecting my mood too) and I think it's contributing to my melancholy mood. I still feel like I'm dealing with so many issues that just won't lessen (let alone go away). I guess thats what I get for dragging my feet on my 4th and 5th steps. Bleh.

old tapes

I have some very old tapes playing in my head tonight. I'm not quite sure when they were made, but they are very familiar. I almost wish I could transcribe them and include them as part of my fourth step. As further proof that I am my own worst enemy. That its what I tell myself that hurts me the most. These tapes... they make me afraid. They make me want to run and hide. From myself.
I find my fear paralyzing. The at least: at least I recognize that it is because of my fears that I do certain things. I sit paralyzed and play free cell. But at least these days I know that I sit playing free cell because I'm afraid of doing something. Why bother trying if I'm not going to succeed? What if I do succeed? But if I let myself be paralyzed by fear... I can't take the next right step.
I find myself fighting the "fairness". Its not fair that he's getting his due before I'm getting mine. But I also have to remind myself of all the crap he's gone through. And then realize that there is no reason to compare myself to him. His struggles are and have been, different from mine. I have my own battles to fight. Some I have won.
grad school
marriage
children
tears
success
failure
why can't i just be accepted and accept myself for exactly who i am, right now, as is?
what if i don't make it?

Forgiveness

I've heard it said in meetings that "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past".
And its also times like these I am reminded why "carrying the message" is so important.
Often times when people talk to me, what I end up saying to them is what I need to hear.
I can't change the past. I can only accept it for what it is and move on.
I can't change what other people did to me. I can't change what I did to other people. I can't change what I've done to myself.
Thats a hard one.

Sometimes you feel like a nut...

Between two meetings today, and an interesting afternoon, I've had an interesting day overall.
I "started" my day with a noon, and then called someone with whom I have not been in contact in a while. She's interested to start coming to Al-Anon. And with that I found myself slipping back into an old habit, which I doubt I'd broken, but that I hadn't really realized I was still doing until today.
An old habit I have is to rearrange myself for the alcoholic (really, for almost anyone) if they even mention doing something together. And I found myself doing that today. This old friend suggested getting together at some point today, but had to call me back about it. I found myself doing all sorts of crazy stuff because of my indecision then. This includes finally deciding to go home for lunch, getting on the bus, changing my mind two stops later, getting off the bus to walk back to the metro so I could metro/bus to get pupusas, going all the way down into the metro, and changing my mind, realizing how insane I was begin, and going all the way back up to ground level to check the bus home so I could eat lunch. It was crazy. But tonights meeting really bought into focus how much I'll bend over backwards to "spend time" with someone. Even if there are no defininte plans, just a suggestion. Thankfully today I can laugh about this and not be resentful at my friend for "not following through" (on plans we hadn't even made).
Right now, in this moment, I feel good. Good enough to work more on my fourth step :)

Work in Progress

I have not been quiet here because I have stopped recovering or because I've stopped going to meetings. Quite the contrary. Although I haven't been going to butt loads of meetings, I'm still going regularly. I'm also regularly meeting with my new sponsor. Last week she and I did something interesting: we cleaned out my God can. It was an interesting experience. I felt very raw because of some of the stuff I shared. I shared everything with her that was in the can with the exception of a few pieces that were from before I was in recovery. I knew what they were when I pulled them out of the can, and couldn't bare to read them myself, let alone someone else. So God got to keep them. My sponsor was understanding. I floated for the next day or so. And Friday night I got the opportunity to burn what was cleaned out (thank you Julie for the used cookie sheet!). It felt good. And still painful. I burned an entire roll of film, pictures, negatives, envelope and all. It still makes me sad. I'm finding it hard to let go of some of it mentally.

In other news, I've been "diligently" working on my fourth step. Almost every section of the new Blue Print for Progress is typed out, I've answered most of what I could on a first go around. Now I'm in the process of going back, actually reading the intro to each section, and seeing if I can fill anything in. I finally have a black ink cartridge, so I might be ready soon to start printing some of this stuff.
I feel like I have so much sitting on my chest right now. I can finally understand at least some of the release that will come from sharing some of that stuff. But like I shared in a meeting and told my sponsor, I'm not afraid of being horrible or showing someone the bad stuff I've done. I'm afraid of not being enough. That my life hasn't been bad enough and that I don't "qualify" for Al-Anon. I most obviously do from many people. But it is still my fear. I'm looking forward to moving on from this stage of recovery. All I seem to feel lately is pain. And I've had enough.

Third step work

Quite often in meetings I hear the idea that if I'm having problems with a step, that I should go back to the one before it and work on that one.
I don't consider myself as having problems with my fourth step. I just haven't done it. I don't know why. I don't feel fear surrounding it. But for some reason, I just haven't done it. So its taken me a while to realize that I still have quite a bit of third step work to do.
One thing I've come to realize lately is that I don't trust my higher power as much as I thought I did. I find that I'm still trying to bargain with my higher power. "I'll do this, if you do that." And although on an intellectual level I know thats not how it works, its still what I find myself doing.
This is particularly frustrating in my job search. I feel like I've done all the footwork I can do (I've applied for probably close to 30 positions), but I still don't have any call backs. So I find myself doing weird things thinking its the next thing I need to do, and then I'll get a job. But that hasn't happened yet. I haven't yet figured out how to trust the process, and that my higher power will do whats best for me. Nor have I figured out how to do the process and not worry about the results. I know what results I want, so I'm having a hard time letting go of them too.
In other words, I haven't really turned my will and my life over to the care of my higher power. I don't trust that she's going to give me what I want, so I'm still trying to control it.
Let go and let god.
So simple yet so hard.
Thanks for letting me share.

Experience, Strength, and Hope

Originally this blog was made only so I could comment on someone elses blog. I already have another blog and thought I had no need for this one. As it turns out, I do. My other blog is more of a journal. Its my daily thoughts, how my day was, all that kind of crap. This blog shall be about my recovery. This is the blog I will use to share my experience, strength and hope. The only caveat I place on myself here is that anything I want to type here, I need to be willing to share with my sponsor. I am not allowed to use this as my dumping ground. I have to remember to call people about my problems, not just write about them, as I've done in the past.

I've been going to Al-anon meetings since March 4th, 2003. It is something that has truly saved my life. If there is one thing my other blog is useful for is its view into the past. I started that blog about 7 months before I got into recovery, and it details many of the reasons why I need Al-anon. If I need to be reminded how far I've come, I need only read the first 7 months of that blog.

Where I am today... this is a tough one. I know today that I am doing so much better than I was 3+ years ago. Though I still suffer from depression, it is much less it was "back then" and it is also much less severe. I finally have a sponsor I feel I can work with. I still haven't done a fourth step. I think this is partly because I haven't had anyone I thought I could share my fifth step with.

Today has been about boundries and trying to listen for my Higher Powers will for me. Its tough. I thought I had drawn a pretty firm boundry about my living situation, and now its being challenged. I'm not sure what to do. Is this my Higher Power's message that I should move on? That there is something better for me out there? Or perhaps this is my chance to try a new behavior and try to work through the current problem? I know I have a habit of running from living situation problems. I'd rather move then deal with them usually. But because I just moved here 5 months ago, and my last move was such a pain, I am loath to move again. My sponsor advised me to try and get quiet and to listen for an answer from my Higher Power. I've not been good about that in the past.

Thats it for now. Thanks for letting me share.