Changed attitudes
I'm starting to finally grasp just how this can work.
I tend to interpret people's behavior for the worst, especially friends and people I live with. If you don't want to hang out, or don't have time, I assume it's because you don't like me any more or don't want to be my friend.
If you clean up after me, I assume it's a message that you aren't pleased with how I've been taking care of things. And this is a consistent problem I've had with housemates. It isn't to say that I'm always neat and tidy. On the contrary, I know I'm not, but I know that I know and I make sure to tell people that I'm going to be living with not to expect me to be neat and tidy. And that it's usually dishes that are my true weakness.
So my current housemate deals with kitchen stuff different than I do. And I've, as usual, been interpreting it as an unspoken message that I'm not living up to unspoken expectations. And I've been getting pissed.
Right before I left for this weekend I kind of realized I can change my attitude. My housemate is an adult. If she has problems with how I'm doing things in the common space, it is her responsibility to say something to me about it so that we can discuss it. The change in my attitude is trying to realize that maybe she's just doing what she thinks is nice. Maybe she thinks she's being helpful. Maybe it isn't an unspoken passive aggressive movement against how I do things. So I'm going to see if I can put this thought pattern into better use. To see that maybe someone else is trying to do something nice for me rather than being annoyed that things aren't done the way I would do them or want them done.
10.13.2009
9.21.2009
meeting
It's been far too long since I've been to a meeting.
I've let my spiritual health slip too much.
And many of my self-harmful habits are back in full force, and I haven't been noticing it as much. I won't say my bad habits were gone before this slip, but at least I knew what I was doing then. Now I just feel crappy a bunch of the time and don't know why.
Barring illness or emergency, I will be at a 7pm meeting (stupid early town, why the fuck don't we have any 8:30's like the rest of the world??).
I've let my spiritual health slip too much.
And many of my self-harmful habits are back in full force, and I haven't been noticing it as much. I won't say my bad habits were gone before this slip, but at least I knew what I was doing then. Now I just feel crappy a bunch of the time and don't know why.
Barring illness or emergency, I will be at a 7pm meeting (stupid early town, why the fuck don't we have any 8:30's like the rest of the world??).
9.16.2009
6.30.2009
Faith
I struggled this month with coming up with a topic. And it wasn't until literally just a few minutes ago that something came to me. Faith.
I'm a bit stressed right now. I move on Saturday from my current abode (renting a bedroom in a house) to a new place (a two bedroom apartment). Moving in and of itself can be a bit stressful. Add in my character defects, and it adds an entirely new layer of stress. Will enough people show up to help me? Will we get everything moved as quickly as I think we can? Will people hate me after this? Am I asking too much of them?
Then there's the whole issue of paying rent. It's a two bedroom and has a two bedroom rent to go along with it. And I don't have anyone to share it with. Yet. I know I'll find someone because the place is in a desirable neighborhood and is relatively well maintained. And I'm awesome. But I'm still stressed that I won't find someone. And more importantly, that I won't find someone with whom I actually want to live with. I've already had two people answer my craigslist ad, but I'm not too sure of them. My gut tells me no.
So how this connects to faith. As I stood melting butter to add onto my freshly popped popcorn I realized that my higher power has always taken care of my living situation. Why wouldn't she take care of this one? It's hard for me to have faith in something like this, because as we all know, in an alcoholic home, just because something has been one way for a long time doesn't mean it will stay that way. So I'm trying to remember that my Higher Power has taken care of me before, and she'll take care of me again. I'm doing what I can, and leaving what isn't in my control alone. I'm trying to have faith in my Higher Power.
This also shows growth in two areas for me. I have a hard time asking for help. Not with things I know I can't handle, that I'm ok asking for help with. But this move is something that I know if I had to, I could do by myself. And that makes it harder for me to ask for help. I know I don't have to do this alone, nor should I. So I emailed friends and a few have said they'll help me.
The other area of growth is realizing that my Higher Power has indeed taken care of certain things for me. While I've had some interesting living situations, none have been horrible. Living with 7 other people in a house was interesting, and I'm no longer friends with 4 of them, but I'm not irreparably harmed from it. The month I lived with someone I knew from AA was definitely interesting. But it taught me a lot about myself. Especially that I am good at getting myself out of situations that I know aren't good for me. I could also talk about the last place I lived before moving here. I ended up being there for 2 and 1/2 years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents place. It of course wasn't perfect, but was awesome enough that I stayed as long as I did. And my Higher Power led me into each and everyone of those situations (and many more) and took care of me too. It's hard to remember sometimes that I don't do this all on my own.
And there you have it. A bit about where my faith comes from and how I'm trying to keep it in practice. Happy June!
I'm a bit stressed right now. I move on Saturday from my current abode (renting a bedroom in a house) to a new place (a two bedroom apartment). Moving in and of itself can be a bit stressful. Add in my character defects, and it adds an entirely new layer of stress. Will enough people show up to help me? Will we get everything moved as quickly as I think we can? Will people hate me after this? Am I asking too much of them?
Then there's the whole issue of paying rent. It's a two bedroom and has a two bedroom rent to go along with it. And I don't have anyone to share it with. Yet. I know I'll find someone because the place is in a desirable neighborhood and is relatively well maintained. And I'm awesome. But I'm still stressed that I won't find someone. And more importantly, that I won't find someone with whom I actually want to live with. I've already had two people answer my craigslist ad, but I'm not too sure of them. My gut tells me no.
So how this connects to faith. As I stood melting butter to add onto my freshly popped popcorn I realized that my higher power has always taken care of my living situation. Why wouldn't she take care of this one? It's hard for me to have faith in something like this, because as we all know, in an alcoholic home, just because something has been one way for a long time doesn't mean it will stay that way. So I'm trying to remember that my Higher Power has taken care of me before, and she'll take care of me again. I'm doing what I can, and leaving what isn't in my control alone. I'm trying to have faith in my Higher Power.
This also shows growth in two areas for me. I have a hard time asking for help. Not with things I know I can't handle, that I'm ok asking for help with. But this move is something that I know if I had to, I could do by myself. And that makes it harder for me to ask for help. I know I don't have to do this alone, nor should I. So I emailed friends and a few have said they'll help me.
The other area of growth is realizing that my Higher Power has indeed taken care of certain things for me. While I've had some interesting living situations, none have been horrible. Living with 7 other people in a house was interesting, and I'm no longer friends with 4 of them, but I'm not irreparably harmed from it. The month I lived with someone I knew from AA was definitely interesting. But it taught me a lot about myself. Especially that I am good at getting myself out of situations that I know aren't good for me. I could also talk about the last place I lived before moving here. I ended up being there for 2 and 1/2 years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents place. It of course wasn't perfect, but was awesome enough that I stayed as long as I did. And my Higher Power led me into each and everyone of those situations (and many more) and took care of me too. It's hard to remember sometimes that I don't do this all on my own.
And there you have it. A bit about where my faith comes from and how I'm trying to keep it in practice. Happy June!
5.27.2009
Do meeting makers make it?
I realized last night that I'm finally getting over my guilt of not making it meetings. I just don't have the drive to do it here. My schedule for the summer is such that I probably could, but I'm not there yet. The nice thing I thought I realized last night is that I'm probably over my guilt because I don't feel the pressure of needing meetings. Life feels mostly manageable right now. Or so I thought.
As I sat doing slightly mind numbing work this morning, I realized that while life on the whole on the outside is rather manageable right now, life on the inside can still be just as crazy. And that I am dealing with some Crazy right now. I've been trying to plan a trip back to the last city I lived in, visiting some family along the way. I found out a bit ago that some other family would also be in the area and I wanted to try to get my trip to correspond with theirs. But nothing I've done has made this work. And it's made me nuts in more ways than one. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that just as I have been touched by the family disease of alcoholism, so too have these family members. Just because I'm trying my hardest to be on 'good behavior' doesn't mean they are. So instead, I will now start planning my trip as I see fit, without the attempt to plan around these family members. It will help restore me to some sanity.
The other thing this bought up though is some of my character defects. Well, one of my overarching ones that gets others going; the feeling of never being 'enough'. I won't dribble here what my thought pattern has been, but it hasn't been positive and it hasn't been happy. It certainly hasn't been kind nor forgiving. And that right there is probably why I do need a meeting.
Maybe tomorrow.
As I sat doing slightly mind numbing work this morning, I realized that while life on the whole on the outside is rather manageable right now, life on the inside can still be just as crazy. And that I am dealing with some Crazy right now. I've been trying to plan a trip back to the last city I lived in, visiting some family along the way. I found out a bit ago that some other family would also be in the area and I wanted to try to get my trip to correspond with theirs. But nothing I've done has made this work. And it's made me nuts in more ways than one. It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that just as I have been touched by the family disease of alcoholism, so too have these family members. Just because I'm trying my hardest to be on 'good behavior' doesn't mean they are. So instead, I will now start planning my trip as I see fit, without the attempt to plan around these family members. It will help restore me to some sanity.
The other thing this bought up though is some of my character defects. Well, one of my overarching ones that gets others going; the feeling of never being 'enough'. I won't dribble here what my thought pattern has been, but it hasn't been positive and it hasn't been happy. It certainly hasn't been kind nor forgiving. And that right there is probably why I do need a meeting.
Maybe tomorrow.
4.13.2009
an open letter
Dear AA members,
I love you dearly, I do. I know how hard many of you work to maintain your sobriety and I admire your recovery. I have many of you as friends and I value your opinions. I admire your stories and you make me realize how glad I am that alcohol (and drugs) are not my problems.
However, when I go to an Al-Anon meeting, I want to be at an Al-Anon meeting. I don't want to know how long you've been sober. I don't care what your addictions are. It doesn't matter to me what non-CAL you are reading. I've come to an Al-Anon meeting to hear about Al-Anon. Not AAs promises. Not the Big Book. Nor how wonderful your sobriety is. I don't care what your AA sponsor thinks. This is Al-Anon.
I want to hear about how you've finally learned how to keep the focus on yourself, and not the alcoholics. I want learn how you've managed to stand up to your dad/mom/wife/husband/etc and respect your own boundaries. I want to hear the story of learning what it meant to truly take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. I want to hear about how you respect that while this is a family disease, you no longer preach 12 steps to your family but instead try to embody the spirit of our principles.
I find it incredibly frustrating that you can't respect our the clearly stated reminder at the beginning to not break your anonymity in regards to other programs. While in your head this may all work out, what you actually do is make the room much less safe for people like me. So much so that I often don't return to meetings that have serious problems with this issue. While I might handle the alcoholics in my life a bit better today then when I first got into the program, there are still days I find them scary. There are still days that I feel the little 8 year old trapped inside me cowering as my parents argue in my memories. The 13 year old is also still inside me who remembers being told she wasn't old enough to have an opinion. See, I still don't like alcoholics many days, and I'd rather not know you are one, especially within the confines of a meeting.
It isn't that I don't care about your or your sobriety, but when I sit in an Al-Anon meeting, I want to hear about Al-Anon. If I'd heard these sorts of things early in recovery, I might have gotten confused and even more scared and never returned, but thankfully I didn't. I kept coming back. I do however worry about what message I send a new comer when I allow things like this to happen in a meeting. So maybe this letter isn't really to you, but rather to myself, and as a warning to you. That maybe the next time this happens I will be the person who reminds you after the meeting that I don't appreciate hearing about AA in my Al-Anon meeting. Maybe it is I who needs to stand up for my boundaries, and that includes not hearing your AA story in my Al-Anon meeting.
--A Very Irritable Pumpkin
I love you dearly, I do. I know how hard many of you work to maintain your sobriety and I admire your recovery. I have many of you as friends and I value your opinions. I admire your stories and you make me realize how glad I am that alcohol (and drugs) are not my problems.
However, when I go to an Al-Anon meeting, I want to be at an Al-Anon meeting. I don't want to know how long you've been sober. I don't care what your addictions are. It doesn't matter to me what non-CAL you are reading. I've come to an Al-Anon meeting to hear about Al-Anon. Not AAs promises. Not the Big Book. Nor how wonderful your sobriety is. I don't care what your AA sponsor thinks. This is Al-Anon.
I want to hear about how you've finally learned how to keep the focus on yourself, and not the alcoholics. I want learn how you've managed to stand up to your dad/mom/wife/husband/etc and respect your own boundaries. I want to hear the story of learning what it meant to truly take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. I want to hear about how you respect that while this is a family disease, you no longer preach 12 steps to your family but instead try to embody the spirit of our principles.
I find it incredibly frustrating that you can't respect our the clearly stated reminder at the beginning to not break your anonymity in regards to other programs. While in your head this may all work out, what you actually do is make the room much less safe for people like me. So much so that I often don't return to meetings that have serious problems with this issue. While I might handle the alcoholics in my life a bit better today then when I first got into the program, there are still days I find them scary. There are still days that I feel the little 8 year old trapped inside me cowering as my parents argue in my memories. The 13 year old is also still inside me who remembers being told she wasn't old enough to have an opinion. See, I still don't like alcoholics many days, and I'd rather not know you are one, especially within the confines of a meeting.
It isn't that I don't care about your or your sobriety, but when I sit in an Al-Anon meeting, I want to hear about Al-Anon. If I'd heard these sorts of things early in recovery, I might have gotten confused and even more scared and never returned, but thankfully I didn't. I kept coming back. I do however worry about what message I send a new comer when I allow things like this to happen in a meeting. So maybe this letter isn't really to you, but rather to myself, and as a warning to you. That maybe the next time this happens I will be the person who reminds you after the meeting that I don't appreciate hearing about AA in my Al-Anon meeting. Maybe it is I who needs to stand up for my boundaries, and that includes not hearing your AA story in my Al-Anon meeting.
--A Very Irritable Pumpkin
4.01.2009
boys - a fourth step
I've had this idea for a while, but now I think I might be ready to follow through on it. I've already done an over arching fourth step. But as we all know, you're never really done. That whole damn onion layers thing.
My next onion layer is boys.
A survey and inventory of not only what I think has happened, but my part in it.
I view this as serving two purposes, as most fourth steps probably do. I not only want to uncover my part in things, but also what has not been my part. I want to know what I've done right. I want to know I'm not as broken as I always feel. I want a reminder that I am desirable. That there will be others.
Some might say I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. But really, I could care less. This is what feels right to me right now and has for quite some time. It's time I listen to that quiet inner voice that gives me these weird ideas.
The other concern of course is that I currently have no sponsor. But honestly, all step four says is that I take the inventory. And two thirds of step five is sharing it with my Higher Power and myself. I can worry about the no sponsor thing later. There is no quiet voice on that issue. In fact, there is no voice at all on it. I'm ok with that right now. I am however not ok with the boy issues. That one has been making me quite miserable for quite a while.
My next onion layer is boys.
A survey and inventory of not only what I think has happened, but my part in it.
I view this as serving two purposes, as most fourth steps probably do. I not only want to uncover my part in things, but also what has not been my part. I want to know what I've done right. I want to know I'm not as broken as I always feel. I want a reminder that I am desirable. That there will be others.
Some might say I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. But really, I could care less. This is what feels right to me right now and has for quite some time. It's time I listen to that quiet inner voice that gives me these weird ideas.
The other concern of course is that I currently have no sponsor. But honestly, all step four says is that I take the inventory. And two thirds of step five is sharing it with my Higher Power and myself. I can worry about the no sponsor thing later. There is no quiet voice on that issue. In fact, there is no voice at all on it. I'm ok with that right now. I am however not ok with the boy issues. That one has been making me quite miserable for quite a while.
3.24.2009
Head Games
I have certain games I like to play, usually by myself, in my head, involving other people. Lots of 'what-ifs' games. And I think I might finally not only be tired with it, but I'm also realizing how unhealthy it is. All this was an awakening based on a cute boy who often rides the same bus as I. We've only chatted twice (the week before last), but I've seen him a number of times before. When I saw him at his stop this morning (I get on much earlier than he does), I found myself setting up one of my old games. I'll test him. He'll get on the bus, I'll pretend to be lost in space staring out the window (someone was sitting next to me) and see what he does. Will he say hi? Will acknowledge me? A common game I play. How unhealthy!
I did this with The Alcoholic too, but at a much deeper level. "If he really loves me, and I do this, he'll do that, then I'll know he cares." But it was all unspoken expectations that I was almost always disappointed by when they weren't met because he didn't know I wanted them met. And really, it took the focus off of myself. If I want something done, then I need to be clear and reasonable about that expectation. AND I need to take care of myself in the process. If I want the cute boy on the bus to talk to me, the healthy thing to do is to open myself to the possibility AND make myself open to him, ie, not ignore him and see what he does. I need to stop playing head games with myself. Even healthier would be to talk to him and see where my Higher Power leads me. Stop trying to control what I can't control, see what happens when I left go.
I did this with The Alcoholic too, but at a much deeper level. "If he really loves me, and I do this, he'll do that, then I'll know he cares." But it was all unspoken expectations that I was almost always disappointed by when they weren't met because he didn't know I wanted them met. And really, it took the focus off of myself. If I want something done, then I need to be clear and reasonable about that expectation. AND I need to take care of myself in the process. If I want the cute boy on the bus to talk to me, the healthy thing to do is to open myself to the possibility AND make myself open to him, ie, not ignore him and see what he does. I need to stop playing head games with myself. Even healthier would be to talk to him and see where my Higher Power leads me. Stop trying to control what I can't control, see what happens when I left go.
3.04.2009
6 years!
I feel like I should be posting something well thought out and earth shattering today. Today marks me attending meetings for 6 years. 6 years! I find that simple fact amazing. I've stuck with this to one degree or another for 6 years.
But unfortunately I have nothing thought out or earth shattering today. I have an allergist appointment Friday and haven't had any antihistamine type things this week. It's left me quite exhausted and a bit foggy headed. So in the vain of self care, I will forgive myself right now for not having a well thought out and earth shattering post for you all on my anniversary. Maybe another day this month.
But unfortunately I have nothing thought out or earth shattering today. I have an allergist appointment Friday and haven't had any antihistamine type things this week. It's left me quite exhausted and a bit foggy headed. So in the vain of self care, I will forgive myself right now for not having a well thought out and earth shattering post for you all on my anniversary. Maybe another day this month.
2.09.2009
progress, definitely not perfection
This isn't going to be one of my usual themed posts. I have no theme in my head right now. I'm still recovering brain and sleepwise from a VERY busy weekend that will be partially repeated again in two weeks. I'm exhausted, but I'm so glad I did what I did. I had a blast stepping outside of my comfort zones in some ways, but also realizing that I still have a lot of work to do in other areas.
One area that I see improvement in is my ability to socialize with friends. I feel like I've been making good strides towards being more wholly myself. I find I can relax enough to have fun but still be mindful of my boundaries without fearing that I have to abandon my boundaries. Or that I have to be someone I'm not.
One area that I'd love to see more improvement is in my handling of the opposite gender. I know that my issues stem from many things. We could talk about the attitude I was taught about men when I was a child. We could talk also about things that happened to me during my childhood that involved men. Then there are my experiences of my adulthood. I know that each and every one of those make me me, but they also make me me. Unsure. Shy. Very self critical. Alcoholism has pervasive effects.
Last night I had the brilliant idea in the shower (a location that often leads me to many brilliant ideas) that I could do a fourth step around my past dating life. But I still don't have a local sponsor, and I'm not sure I want to open this can of worms without someone local that I can sit down and chat with. I still might start it and just start with the idea of sharing it with my Higher Power and myself first and worry about the 'another human being' part of step 5 at a later date.
I guess I did have something of a theme.
One area that I see improvement in is my ability to socialize with friends. I feel like I've been making good strides towards being more wholly myself. I find I can relax enough to have fun but still be mindful of my boundaries without fearing that I have to abandon my boundaries. Or that I have to be someone I'm not.
One area that I'd love to see more improvement is in my handling of the opposite gender. I know that my issues stem from many things. We could talk about the attitude I was taught about men when I was a child. We could talk also about things that happened to me during my childhood that involved men. Then there are my experiences of my adulthood. I know that each and every one of those make me me, but they also make me me. Unsure. Shy. Very self critical. Alcoholism has pervasive effects.
Last night I had the brilliant idea in the shower (a location that often leads me to many brilliant ideas) that I could do a fourth step around my past dating life. But I still don't have a local sponsor, and I'm not sure I want to open this can of worms without someone local that I can sit down and chat with. I still might start it and just start with the idea of sharing it with my Higher Power and myself first and worry about the 'another human being' part of step 5 at a later date.
I guess I did have something of a theme.
2.03.2009
anonymity?
Two of our 12 traditions address anonymity:
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
I have no desire to go on TV for ANYTHING, nor am I known to write things in the press, so for me, those things are never really at the front of my mind. And really, from my understanding, these traditions have more to do with no one individual being a face for Al-Anon. I have zero desire to be the face of anything other than myself.
I hold my personal anonymity very close. No one in my family knows I'm in Al-Anon. None of my new friends do either. Many of my older friends do, but thats also because I met many of them in Al-Anon. A few have learned about it over the years because I've found it appropriate to tell them in a certain context. But generally, it isn't something I talk about, even with people outside the program who know about it.
These days I find myself wanting to tell a few people about my membership in this program because I think it would give them a better picture of how I am. These are people who have expressed wanting to get to know me better, but I struggle with how much is enough, and what is too much. I hesitate. I think I can trust these people. But as my picker has shown evidence of being broken in the past, I can never be too sure how good of a job I'm doing now. I guess my higher power will lead me in the right direction and let me know when I need to tell others. Until then, I guess too much anonymity is better than none!
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
I have no desire to go on TV for ANYTHING, nor am I known to write things in the press, so for me, those things are never really at the front of my mind. And really, from my understanding, these traditions have more to do with no one individual being a face for Al-Anon. I have zero desire to be the face of anything other than myself.
I hold my personal anonymity very close. No one in my family knows I'm in Al-Anon. None of my new friends do either. Many of my older friends do, but thats also because I met many of them in Al-Anon. A few have learned about it over the years because I've found it appropriate to tell them in a certain context. But generally, it isn't something I talk about, even with people outside the program who know about it.
These days I find myself wanting to tell a few people about my membership in this program because I think it would give them a better picture of how I am. These are people who have expressed wanting to get to know me better, but I struggle with how much is enough, and what is too much. I hesitate. I think I can trust these people. But as my picker has shown evidence of being broken in the past, I can never be too sure how good of a job I'm doing now. I guess my higher power will lead me in the right direction and let me know when I need to tell others. Until then, I guess too much anonymity is better than none!
1.05.2009
let god?
I fear my recovery is DOA. I have nothing pushing me forward. Currently no personalities regularly pushing my buttons. I'm doing well enough to coast. But not getting better.
I feel that I've been stuck in this position for a long time now. I'm still finding the local meeting schedule very hard to adjust to. And many of the meetings I do make it to leave me uninspired and annoyed (particularly at people who break their anonymity).
Yet, I know, simply even by posting this here, that I'm still looking for my answers in many of the wrong places (step 4 reminds me that I do have good traits and that I occasionally go looking in the right places). I look to other people often for my answers, not making enough time to actively seek the inner quiet voice that guides my life.
All this isn't to say though that I "want" something that will push me forward. God knows that the things that have unfortunately always pushed me forward were times of great hurt and sorrow. I really don't want more of that right now. I feel like my head is finally fully above water from Sarah's death.
But at the same time, I do actually want something that will give me the motivation to keep working my program. To keep making the changes in my life to help myself get healthier.
Maybe this time it could be something happy?
I feel that I've been stuck in this position for a long time now. I'm still finding the local meeting schedule very hard to adjust to. And many of the meetings I do make it to leave me uninspired and annoyed (particularly at people who break their anonymity).
Yet, I know, simply even by posting this here, that I'm still looking for my answers in many of the wrong places (step 4 reminds me that I do have good traits and that I occasionally go looking in the right places). I look to other people often for my answers, not making enough time to actively seek the inner quiet voice that guides my life.
All this isn't to say though that I "want" something that will push me forward. God knows that the things that have unfortunately always pushed me forward were times of great hurt and sorrow. I really don't want more of that right now. I feel like my head is finally fully above water from Sarah's death.
But at the same time, I do actually want something that will give me the motivation to keep working my program. To keep making the changes in my life to help myself get healthier.
Maybe this time it could be something happy?
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