i haz a tyrd
Still feeling grouchy. Still isolating. Still don't feel like talking to any one about anything. The blessing tonight was that I actually did get some work done. Not enough, but more than I have been lately. Hopefully I can be grumpy enough for the next week and a half to get my big project done so I can start in on my next one. I hate when I put big things off. At least I'm starting now, and not next week.
I think I need to make a more concerted effort to teach my cat boundaries. He's been driving me nuts lately, but I've also been letting him drive me nuts. He does the same thing, and I let him. Or rather, I very inconsistently let him know that what he's doing isn't ok with me (trying to lay in my lap onto the keyboard as I type this is a great example). I guess it takes a special needs owner to understand a special needs cat.
With that, I think attempting to get some sleep tonight is the next right thing that is in my best interest. After turning off this computer.
10.21.2008
10.20.2008
boundaries and personalities
Of course, this being election season here in the US, I'd love to share with all of you my political leanings, who I think you should vote for, and why. But really, Al-Anon isn't the place for it. And neither are many other places that I frequent. I find myself wanting to post my views to various places, but worry about doing so because of the people I know who also visit those sites. It's the principles of Al-Anon that keep me in check thankfully. In meetings, I can like or dislike someone for who they are, not what labels they wear on any given day. I try to follow this principle in all my affairs, but it's rather hard when I find someone's views or labels illogical. It also doesn't help when I think it's disrespectful. Regardless, I still often have to interact with these people and I find it easier to put my principles above personalities than to discuss these things with those people. Now don't get me wrong, I'm always up for a good discussion about why someone thinks the way they do, but I know these kinds of discussions can get heated (and sometimes it's me who is the heated one). And really, I'd rather respect my family and coworkers than discuss some of these things with them. I guess you can say that I've learned that this is one of my boundaries. I can't discuss everything with everyone and I'm learning that that is ok.
10.19.2008
checking in
Today has just been one of those days. For a variety of reasons, I've been in my pjs since about 6pm. I didn't get nearly as many of my priorities done this weekend as would have been good for me. Particularly I didn't make it to a meeting, though I promised myself last night that I would. I even picked out two meetings that I should have been able to make it to. But the powers that be kept me away. Namely myself.
It's hard when I get into this kind of mental space. I know whats good for me, but it's very hard for me to get myself to do those things. I even made a valiant effort today. I started my day off with doing the reading from "Hope For Today". I even did some exercise this morning. I got myself going when I could figuring that if I did it would do me better than sitting at home wallowing. But it didn't. I still feel crappy. I still feel like isolating. I still don't want tomorrow to be Monday and I certainly am not in the mood to be on good behavior tomorrow.
I miss my old program friends in my last city. I wish I could have some here magically who I didn't need to reexplain everything to.
I'm probably one of those people who could use 'outside help' in Al-Anon. Al-Anon has even given me the strength to attempt to get that outside help, but it's never helped. And each non-success makes me more leery of trying again. Sounds a lot like my recovery. I have little faith that others can help me. I am terminally unique.
So it goes.
It's hard when I get into this kind of mental space. I know whats good for me, but it's very hard for me to get myself to do those things. I even made a valiant effort today. I started my day off with doing the reading from "Hope For Today". I even did some exercise this morning. I got myself going when I could figuring that if I did it would do me better than sitting at home wallowing. But it didn't. I still feel crappy. I still feel like isolating. I still don't want tomorrow to be Monday and I certainly am not in the mood to be on good behavior tomorrow.
I miss my old program friends in my last city. I wish I could have some here magically who I didn't need to reexplain everything to.
I'm probably one of those people who could use 'outside help' in Al-Anon. Al-Anon has even given me the strength to attempt to get that outside help, but it's never helped. And each non-success makes me more leery of trying again. Sounds a lot like my recovery. I have little faith that others can help me. I am terminally unique.
So it goes.
10.16.2008
Fourth Step
Many people struggle with their fourth step. So I figured I would. I think the hardest part I struggled with was how to do it. These are the ways I listed that I could do my fourth step:
-old Blue Print for Progress
-new Blue Print for Progress
-Alateen Fourth Step Inventory
-list and describe daily frustrations
-list of fears
-write about the events and people I resent or distrust
-4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating and mothering
-assests/defects list
-columns --> did I cause the problem? How have I tried to control it? Is it in my power to cure it? Did this action contribute to the problem? Comments
-answer 4th step questions in Paths to Recovery
-and of course Big Book style, which isn't really Al-Anon, but I know people do it
Really, this step is all about what works for you. The thought of sitting and writing about my character defects (and assests) really intimidated me. Not because I felt intimidated by my character defects, but because I despised writing. Put pen and paper in front of me and ask me to write and you'll get a death stare from me. But as I've discovered from blogging is that I can type what I think about. So I decided to type my fourth step. Not just go along and type my answers, but actually type out all the questions too. This made it easier for me to go back regularly and edit and add material. It also took what was already a habit for me, typing out my thoughts, and put it to practical program use. It worked beautifully for me. And while most of what I've blogged about in the past 6+ years is probably drivel, I can see it's use. It helped me get comfortable with writing about myself.
So if you're facing your fourth step, whether for the first time or the eighth time, be open to doing it a different way. One that your higher power leads you to.
-old Blue Print for Progress
-new Blue Print for Progress
-Alateen Fourth Step Inventory
-list and describe daily frustrations
-list of fears
-write about the events and people I resent or distrust
-4 M's: martyrdom, managing, manipulating and mothering
-assests/defects list
-columns --> did I cause the problem? How have I tried to control it? Is it in my power to cure it? Did this action contribute to the problem? Comments
-answer 4th step questions in Paths to Recovery
-and of course Big Book style, which isn't really Al-Anon, but I know people do it
Really, this step is all about what works for you. The thought of sitting and writing about my character defects (and assests) really intimidated me. Not because I felt intimidated by my character defects, but because I despised writing. Put pen and paper in front of me and ask me to write and you'll get a death stare from me. But as I've discovered from blogging is that I can type what I think about. So I decided to type my fourth step. Not just go along and type my answers, but actually type out all the questions too. This made it easier for me to go back regularly and edit and add material. It also took what was already a habit for me, typing out my thoughts, and put it to practical program use. It worked beautifully for me. And while most of what I've blogged about in the past 6+ years is probably drivel, I can see it's use. It helped me get comfortable with writing about myself.
So if you're facing your fourth step, whether for the first time or the eighth time, be open to doing it a different way. One that your higher power leads you to.
10.14.2008
traditions
This is one of those nights where I'm not quite sure what I want to write about.
Maybe it's a good night for the tradition of the month.
Tradition 10 states: The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Excellent!
Nah, I think I'll do my favorite tradition instead, tradition 3.
It states: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
It's really the second half that I want to focus on, one that I love talking about in meetings. I have a very old habit (character defect?) of finding ways that I can identify out of groups. I'll find some little difference and say that because of that little difference, I don't/can't belong. But I can't do that in Al-Anon. Tradition 3 clearly tells me that the only thing that required of me is that I be bothered by someone else's drinking. This too can be challenging for me, especially right now while I don't actually have a person in my life whose drinking per se bothers me. But there have been people in the past whose drinking has deeply affected me and I'm sure I'll face people in the future too whose drinking will have an effect on me.
This tradition, like step 1, is a great reminder to me of how I got to this program and why I need to keep coming back. While The Ex that got me into the program is now an ex, I'm sure some of the character defects I perfected while dating him are still with me. But to go back further, I learned many of those character defects in my family of origin. It was there that I learned my broken mantra of "I'm not enough." It was there that I learned to keep my opinion to myself, because children don't have opinions, right? The list could go on, but really it is this deeply ingrained effect that alcoholism has had on me that shows me how much I desperately need this program. NO ONE can tell me I don't belong in the rooms of Al-Anon because I don't daily face the actual drinking of someone else. If anything, I identify as a grandchild of an alcoholic, as neither of my parents drank much, and their behavior wasn't all that different whether they did or they didn't. Even this though, doesn't really speak to this tradition. It is MY choice as to whether I belong in this program. It is I who gets to decide if someone else's drinking has had an effect on my life. I find a great deal of comfort in this. No one else gets to tell me whether I belong or not. Only me.
I knew I needed help long before The Ex and his alcoholism came along, but I never really understood what the problem was and wasn't sure what kind of help to seek. Today I'm thankful that The Ex found recovery because it gave me an easy way to find Al-Anon. So many people tell me how fortunate I am to have found Al-Anon so young, and I'm sure one day I'll truly realize what they mean. But for right now, I can put my age aside as I sit in a room, often filled with women my mother's age, and know that I too belong there.
Maybe it's a good night for the tradition of the month.
Tradition 10 states: The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
Excellent!
Nah, I think I'll do my favorite tradition instead, tradition 3.
It states: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
It's really the second half that I want to focus on, one that I love talking about in meetings. I have a very old habit (character defect?) of finding ways that I can identify out of groups. I'll find some little difference and say that because of that little difference, I don't/can't belong. But I can't do that in Al-Anon. Tradition 3 clearly tells me that the only thing that required of me is that I be bothered by someone else's drinking. This too can be challenging for me, especially right now while I don't actually have a person in my life whose drinking per se bothers me. But there have been people in the past whose drinking has deeply affected me and I'm sure I'll face people in the future too whose drinking will have an effect on me.
This tradition, like step 1, is a great reminder to me of how I got to this program and why I need to keep coming back. While The Ex that got me into the program is now an ex, I'm sure some of the character defects I perfected while dating him are still with me. But to go back further, I learned many of those character defects in my family of origin. It was there that I learned my broken mantra of "I'm not enough." It was there that I learned to keep my opinion to myself, because children don't have opinions, right? The list could go on, but really it is this deeply ingrained effect that alcoholism has had on me that shows me how much I desperately need this program. NO ONE can tell me I don't belong in the rooms of Al-Anon because I don't daily face the actual drinking of someone else. If anything, I identify as a grandchild of an alcoholic, as neither of my parents drank much, and their behavior wasn't all that different whether they did or they didn't. Even this though, doesn't really speak to this tradition. It is MY choice as to whether I belong in this program. It is I who gets to decide if someone else's drinking has had an effect on my life. I find a great deal of comfort in this. No one else gets to tell me whether I belong or not. Only me.
I knew I needed help long before The Ex and his alcoholism came along, but I never really understood what the problem was and wasn't sure what kind of help to seek. Today I'm thankful that The Ex found recovery because it gave me an easy way to find Al-Anon. So many people tell me how fortunate I am to have found Al-Anon so young, and I'm sure one day I'll truly realize what they mean. But for right now, I can put my age aside as I sit in a room, often filled with women my mother's age, and know that I too belong there.
10.13.2008
boundaries
As with the past few days, I hope this makes sense to someone other than just me. My brain is now sick and medication riddled, so there are questions about how well my communication skills are working.
Boundaries.
What a sticky topic. Especially when it comes to relating to other people.
I didn't realize how few boundaries I had until I started actually having boundaries. Until I started thinking about what I thought was good for me and wasn't. Or thinking about what I actually like and dislike. Or what is important to me and isn't.
My recent realization has been time and that not everyone thinks about time the same way I do. In addition to my regularly scheduled day time activities, there are a number of things I like to do with the rest of my day, some of them needs, some of them wants. I am a person who prefers going home at night, and actually being at home, not "taking the office home" with me. I like to take that time to make good meals, bake, play with the cat, read, watch various brain rot, etc. But in the setting I'm in now, not many people seem to feel the same way I do. Or rather, they pay lip service to their needs and wants being important to them. They say one thing, but their actions speak differently. I say making good food is important to me, so I set aside time to do so. In my list of priorities, it is a very high one. I'd like to say exercise is too, but as evidenced by my growing waste line, it's actually lower on the list than many other things (I'm trying to change this, but as we all know, it's hard to change old habits).
Where my old confusion lay was hearing people say that doing certain things was important to them, but they didn't make time for it. I'm back in school. It's VERY important to me, but I also have learned that there are certain things, that if I do them, make me a much saner person (cook, bake, play with the cat). So while I do think working hard at school is extremely important, so is taking good care of myself (though I do have to say that if I were still working, I would have taken today off rather than drag my butt to school).
My frustration: I've had many "older" students (most of them are actually younger than me, but they are further along in the program) keep telling me that I too will be there late nights just like them. While I'm sure there will be a few, I get frustrated that they try to pin this on me. I don't see it as a badge of honor and I it really frustrates me that I can't see to explain to these people that taking care of myself is more important than spending a night late at school trying to solve something that probably won't be solved any way because I'll be so annoyed that I'm there and not at home enjoying 'me time'.
So I guess thats one of my boundaries. I need time so that I can have me time.
Boundaries.
What a sticky topic. Especially when it comes to relating to other people.
I didn't realize how few boundaries I had until I started actually having boundaries. Until I started thinking about what I thought was good for me and wasn't. Or thinking about what I actually like and dislike. Or what is important to me and isn't.
My recent realization has been time and that not everyone thinks about time the same way I do. In addition to my regularly scheduled day time activities, there are a number of things I like to do with the rest of my day, some of them needs, some of them wants. I am a person who prefers going home at night, and actually being at home, not "taking the office home" with me. I like to take that time to make good meals, bake, play with the cat, read, watch various brain rot, etc. But in the setting I'm in now, not many people seem to feel the same way I do. Or rather, they pay lip service to their needs and wants being important to them. They say one thing, but their actions speak differently. I say making good food is important to me, so I set aside time to do so. In my list of priorities, it is a very high one. I'd like to say exercise is too, but as evidenced by my growing waste line, it's actually lower on the list than many other things (I'm trying to change this, but as we all know, it's hard to change old habits).
Where my old confusion lay was hearing people say that doing certain things was important to them, but they didn't make time for it. I'm back in school. It's VERY important to me, but I also have learned that there are certain things, that if I do them, make me a much saner person (cook, bake, play with the cat). So while I do think working hard at school is extremely important, so is taking good care of myself (though I do have to say that if I were still working, I would have taken today off rather than drag my butt to school).
My frustration: I've had many "older" students (most of them are actually younger than me, but they are further along in the program) keep telling me that I too will be there late nights just like them. While I'm sure there will be a few, I get frustrated that they try to pin this on me. I don't see it as a badge of honor and I it really frustrates me that I can't see to explain to these people that taking care of myself is more important than spending a night late at school trying to solve something that probably won't be solved any way because I'll be so annoyed that I'm there and not at home enjoying 'me time'.
So I guess thats one of my boundaries. I need time so that I can have me time.
10.12.2008
ill
No, I haven't forgotten about NaBloWriMo. But I am quite a bit under the weather and not feeling the creative juices to make an even half assed attempt at a post here. I guess this is self care in action. I took it extra easy yesterday spending most of the day vegging in the living room arm chair futzing around on the computer doing nothing serious. Today has been mostly the same, but I did venture out.
We'll see how I do tomorrow when I have to go back to being on someone else's schedule, not just my own.
Times like these, I do really keep the slogans in mind. This too shall pass. I will feel better again, probably in a few days. First things first. I have to take care of my body. Make sure I take all my various pills that support my health. Attempt to get enough rest. Keep hydrated.
Hopefully I'll be mentally sharper soon and can give you all a real post about recovery!
We'll see how I do tomorrow when I have to go back to being on someone else's schedule, not just my own.
Times like these, I do really keep the slogans in mind. This too shall pass. I will feel better again, probably in a few days. First things first. I have to take care of my body. Make sure I take all my various pills that support my health. Attempt to get enough rest. Keep hydrated.
Hopefully I'll be mentally sharper soon and can give you all a real post about recovery!
10.10.2008
Anonymity
I had a disturbing dream this morning about my anonymity.
For some reason, in my dream we (a few people and I) were having a meeting style chat, except my mom and one other person I know were also on the couches (neither of these 2 people know that I'm in Al-Anon). And it really bothered me that my anonymity was being broken in front of these two people, but at the same time in my dream, I really needed a meeting.
I guard my anonymity pretty closely. Luckily, though probably through no accident, most of my close friends I know through Al-Anon, so obviously my anonymity is not an issue there. A few of my select friends know either because I don't care that they know or because I've had reason to tell them. Either than that, I keep it on the down low. I'm not 100% sure why either. I know that I don't care to talk to my family about it because I don't feel like dealing with the questions of who I think the alcoholics are in my life, nor what effects I think they've had on my family. But this also makes me wonder if this exact mindset is what put me in the position I'm in, not wanting to talk about things.
I know my higher power will lead me through this quandary and that one day, I will talk to my family about this program. But that day has not yet presented itself.
For some reason, in my dream we (a few people and I) were having a meeting style chat, except my mom and one other person I know were also on the couches (neither of these 2 people know that I'm in Al-Anon). And it really bothered me that my anonymity was being broken in front of these two people, but at the same time in my dream, I really needed a meeting.
I guard my anonymity pretty closely. Luckily, though probably through no accident, most of my close friends I know through Al-Anon, so obviously my anonymity is not an issue there. A few of my select friends know either because I don't care that they know or because I've had reason to tell them. Either than that, I keep it on the down low. I'm not 100% sure why either. I know that I don't care to talk to my family about it because I don't feel like dealing with the questions of who I think the alcoholics are in my life, nor what effects I think they've had on my family. But this also makes me wonder if this exact mindset is what put me in the position I'm in, not wanting to talk about things.
I know my higher power will lead me through this quandary and that one day, I will talk to my family about this program. But that day has not yet presented itself.
10.09.2008
First Things First
Today is a day I would love to skip out on NaBloWriMo. I'm just plain old exhausted. I've been vegetating on the couch since I feel through the door this evening from my tortuous bike "ride" home.
Which I guess brings up a good topic. My favorite slogan.
First things first.
I put this to use pretty much every day (I'd even gander that I do use it every day, a few times a day). It really helps me focus and get done what I need to get done, but not at the expense of other things. While I'm sure there are many things that did need to get done tonight, none of them did in favor of me resting my body and relaxing my mind. To me, this was the most important thing when I fell in the door this evening. It was the first thing that needed to actually be done. By doing this, I'll probably have a more productive day tomorrow.
I find this slogan useful on so many levels. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it helps me break down the day into smaller more manageable chunks. When I'm got a lot to do, same thing, my list of tasks gets easier to deal with. Even when I don't have a lot to do, it's helpful by helping me get done the most important stuff first.
Sometimes the things I do first probably don't always appear as useful from the outside, but they make me saner. I always need to make sure I'm fed before tackling anything major, because low blood sugar leads me to make stupid mistakes. This also reminds me that a good nights sleep is useful, no matter how much my inner night owl wants to stay up and watch one more episode of brain rot.
I'm not sure what I'm saying is making much sense, as right now, my first things first is a shower and then my bed.f
This post brought to you by Bike Brain. Aka Next Time, I'll Wait For The Bus.
Which I guess brings up a good topic. My favorite slogan.
First things first.
I put this to use pretty much every day (I'd even gander that I do use it every day, a few times a day). It really helps me focus and get done what I need to get done, but not at the expense of other things. While I'm sure there are many things that did need to get done tonight, none of them did in favor of me resting my body and relaxing my mind. To me, this was the most important thing when I fell in the door this evening. It was the first thing that needed to actually be done. By doing this, I'll probably have a more productive day tomorrow.
I find this slogan useful on so many levels. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, it helps me break down the day into smaller more manageable chunks. When I'm got a lot to do, same thing, my list of tasks gets easier to deal with. Even when I don't have a lot to do, it's helpful by helping me get done the most important stuff first.
Sometimes the things I do first probably don't always appear as useful from the outside, but they make me saner. I always need to make sure I'm fed before tackling anything major, because low blood sugar leads me to make stupid mistakes. This also reminds me that a good nights sleep is useful, no matter how much my inner night owl wants to stay up and watch one more episode of brain rot.
I'm not sure what I'm saying is making much sense, as right now, my first things first is a shower and then my bed.f
This post brought to you by Bike Brain. Aka Next Time, I'll Wait For The Bus.
10.08.2008
How did I get here?
I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment, so hopefully this will be coherent (and yes, I realize it isn't even 9pm yet).
How did I get here?
I've been in a lot of step one meetings lately. While I am always initially annoyed (because I'd rather be working on "hard core" Al-Anon), I usually leave grateful for the reminder of why I keep coming back.
Step back MANY 24 hours, and the me that you see would be quite different from the me of today. Most of this can be "blamed" on Al-Anon.
My story:
Oh so many moons ago, my then boyfriend informed me that he as going away to some retreat thingy for the week. His mom would get him there, but I'd need to pick him up. Being the dutiful girlfriend that I was, I of course agreed. Enter insanity. I managed to give myself severe food intoxication the night before (I know it was a toxin issue because I was sick that night, but it cleared by the next day, versus an infection). So here I am... emptying my innards all night only to get up early the next morning to go pick him up. Oh, and it had snowed!
He came back with the declaration that he was an alcoholic. Which I didn't really care about (or understand, in hindsight). He entered AA. And within a month I was annoyed and angry that he was 'getting better' and I was still miserable (I have a history of depression too). I remember standing in the street one night in front of his mom's house asking in my oh so snotty voice 'Well what am I supposed to do?' He thankfully had just enough recovery to tell me that he was sure and that he'd ask his sponsor.
The answer was simple. "Why doesn't she go to Al-Anon?"
So I arranged to meet said sponsor's girlfriend at a meeting. She never showed up. But I hung in there, though a stellar meeting of 4 people, 2 of us new comers and the third a relative new comer.
I don't remember many meetings after that. I obviously kept coming back, but I couldn't honestly tell you why.
After the boyfriend and I had a bit of recovery in us, I remember him asking me why I didn't leave early on. At that time, I didn't know, I just knew I was supposed to. Now I know why. I needed Al-Anon and he was my ticket there.
Today I can see the effects of alcoholism in my family, but more importantly I can see the effects of alcoholism on me. While I know not all of my problems can be "blamed" on alcoholism, I know that Al-Anon holds many answers for me that I wouldn't have found packaged so nicely elsewhere. I can handle the principles of Al-Anon because I can "Take what I like and leave the rest." Some ideas that I found completely stupid in the beginning I now can see the use of.
This program has also taken me places I've never dreamed I'd go or had me meet people I never knew I'd meet. Perhaps my most 'daring' was volunteering to help bring meetings to the women's detention center in the area I used to live. Who would have thought little old me could be of service to women serving time? But there I was every third Sunday of even months not dressed in jeans helping to lead a meeting at the detention center. While the meetings there have their own unique set of challenges, it felt good to know, sadly, that someone else's story was worse than mine. But it helped me to know that if they too could have hope, so could I.
My relationship with the person who got me into this program ended a few years ago already, but I'll be forever grateful to him for introducing me to this program. While today has been a challenging day (more because I'm not taking proper care of myself and getting enough sleep), I know why my day is challenging, and I no longer chalk it up to just that life sucks. This too will pass. And with some extra sleep tonight, I'm sure I'll fell better tomorrow.
How did I get here?
I've been in a lot of step one meetings lately. While I am always initially annoyed (because I'd rather be working on "hard core" Al-Anon), I usually leave grateful for the reminder of why I keep coming back.
Step back MANY 24 hours, and the me that you see would be quite different from the me of today. Most of this can be "blamed" on Al-Anon.
My story:
Oh so many moons ago, my then boyfriend informed me that he as going away to some retreat thingy for the week. His mom would get him there, but I'd need to pick him up. Being the dutiful girlfriend that I was, I of course agreed. Enter insanity. I managed to give myself severe food intoxication the night before (I know it was a toxin issue because I was sick that night, but it cleared by the next day, versus an infection). So here I am... emptying my innards all night only to get up early the next morning to go pick him up. Oh, and it had snowed!
He came back with the declaration that he was an alcoholic. Which I didn't really care about (or understand, in hindsight). He entered AA. And within a month I was annoyed and angry that he was 'getting better' and I was still miserable (I have a history of depression too). I remember standing in the street one night in front of his mom's house asking in my oh so snotty voice 'Well what am I supposed to do?' He thankfully had just enough recovery to tell me that he was sure and that he'd ask his sponsor.
The answer was simple. "Why doesn't she go to Al-Anon?"
So I arranged to meet said sponsor's girlfriend at a meeting. She never showed up. But I hung in there, though a stellar meeting of 4 people, 2 of us new comers and the third a relative new comer.
I don't remember many meetings after that. I obviously kept coming back, but I couldn't honestly tell you why.
After the boyfriend and I had a bit of recovery in us, I remember him asking me why I didn't leave early on. At that time, I didn't know, I just knew I was supposed to. Now I know why. I needed Al-Anon and he was my ticket there.
Today I can see the effects of alcoholism in my family, but more importantly I can see the effects of alcoholism on me. While I know not all of my problems can be "blamed" on alcoholism, I know that Al-Anon holds many answers for me that I wouldn't have found packaged so nicely elsewhere. I can handle the principles of Al-Anon because I can "Take what I like and leave the rest." Some ideas that I found completely stupid in the beginning I now can see the use of.
This program has also taken me places I've never dreamed I'd go or had me meet people I never knew I'd meet. Perhaps my most 'daring' was volunteering to help bring meetings to the women's detention center in the area I used to live. Who would have thought little old me could be of service to women serving time? But there I was every third Sunday of even months not dressed in jeans helping to lead a meeting at the detention center. While the meetings there have their own unique set of challenges, it felt good to know, sadly, that someone else's story was worse than mine. But it helped me to know that if they too could have hope, so could I.
My relationship with the person who got me into this program ended a few years ago already, but I'll be forever grateful to him for introducing me to this program. While today has been a challenging day (more because I'm not taking proper care of myself and getting enough sleep), I know why my day is challenging, and I no longer chalk it up to just that life sucks. This too will pass. And with some extra sleep tonight, I'm sure I'll fell better tomorrow.
10.07.2008
What shall we talk about today?
I think step 6.95 sounds like a good one.
What, you ask, is step 6.95? It's the step I'm stuck at, though I have to wonder if I've been working 7 without really realizing it.
Step 6 for me boiled down to a question in "Paths to Recovery". Are you entirely ready to be done with this (thats my rewording)? Are you tired with this life?
I am. I want to be healthier. I want to not keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
But asking for help is hard. Especially when I don't always have faith in my higher power. It's weird. While I do trust the big picture to my higher power, I'm not sure I trust the day to day decisions to her. To ask her to remove my short comings is even harder than admitting my life is unmanageable.
So I'm at step 6.95. I do honestly want to change, but I'm still not sure it's my higher power who will do it for me. This is a level of trust I'm very unsure of. And one I'm not sure what to do with.
So how can I say that I might be on 7?
From what I've heard, having character defects removed is just that. Having space in between you and your character defect. The space to make new choices. And I feel like I've had this lately. That I can make new choices. It's not that I just suddenly am making healthy choices, but rather that I have the mental space to realize that I can choose the old path or I can choose the new healthier path. I've been working on choosing the new healthy path. It's taking energy, but at least I can see that I have choices.
So maybe I am at step 7, just in my own unique way.
I think step 6.95 sounds like a good one.
What, you ask, is step 6.95? It's the step I'm stuck at, though I have to wonder if I've been working 7 without really realizing it.
Step 6 for me boiled down to a question in "Paths to Recovery". Are you entirely ready to be done with this (thats my rewording)? Are you tired with this life?
I am. I want to be healthier. I want to not keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
But asking for help is hard. Especially when I don't always have faith in my higher power. It's weird. While I do trust the big picture to my higher power, I'm not sure I trust the day to day decisions to her. To ask her to remove my short comings is even harder than admitting my life is unmanageable.
So I'm at step 6.95. I do honestly want to change, but I'm still not sure it's my higher power who will do it for me. This is a level of trust I'm very unsure of. And one I'm not sure what to do with.
So how can I say that I might be on 7?
From what I've heard, having character defects removed is just that. Having space in between you and your character defect. The space to make new choices. And I feel like I've had this lately. That I can make new choices. It's not that I just suddenly am making healthy choices, but rather that I have the mental space to realize that I can choose the old path or I can choose the new healthier path. I've been working on choosing the new healthy path. It's taking energy, but at least I can see that I have choices.
So maybe I am at step 7, just in my own unique way.
10.06.2008
generosity
I'm a bit late, but I'd still like to do NaBloWriMo. Aka National Blog Writing Month. The idea is that I'll post every day this month? Think I can do it? I'm not sure either. I'll be pleased if I hit every other day. The problem won't be post topics, but rather it will be getting me to sit down and write them.
This post I've had in my head for a LONG time. Finally today during seminar I started writing it (can you tell I wasn't too into the seminar topic?).
The subject of generosity has been on my mind for quite some time. Not just generosity of the monetary sort, but also of the personal sort.
One can be generous by donating money. Something very important in meetings if the meeting intends to pay rent and have literature for new comers. Generosity of time in meetings is also important. I've often heard in meetings that the easiest way to be of service is to simply show up to meetings. But, ideally, meetings need more than this to stay healthy and function well. A healthy meeting also ideally has a GR (group representative) who generously gives of their time by attending area meetings and making sure info from WSO (World Service Office) gets to the meeting.
This is all well and good, but what does this have to do with my life? How do I practice these principles in all my affairs?
I've learned how to be generous in terms of the program, but how do I practice this in other areas of my life? Part of the answer for me is learning to trust my Higher Power and to know my boundaries.
Back story: Why did I even think of this topic? Before moving, I decided to throw myself a going away party. What struck me was how generous my wonderful friends were, new and old. I was struck also by the various types of generosity that were presented to me. Some friends offered to help me finish making food. One offered to do all the grilling. Some gave me gifts. But the best gifts I received was that they all showed up. I was struck by how generous my friends were with their time and more importantly themselves.
Through this I realized how ungenerous I can be on many different levels.
On one level, this is ok. I'm getting very good at taking care of myself. I make sure I am financially taken care of. I try my best to make sure I have the time to do the things I need to do (laundry, food, keeping my abode livable). But this leads me towards a path of isolation because I focus so much on making sure I am taken care of that I let my friendships falter. I am not very generous with my time with my friends. At least not to the level I would like to be.
While I'm not quite sure where I would like this post to end, it does leave me with much to think about in terms of what I really do need to do to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Perhaps I have been spending so much time on just a few of these that others have fallen sadly by the wayside. As an old friend would say, I can pray about this.
This post I've had in my head for a LONG time. Finally today during seminar I started writing it (can you tell I wasn't too into the seminar topic?).
The subject of generosity has been on my mind for quite some time. Not just generosity of the monetary sort, but also of the personal sort.
One can be generous by donating money. Something very important in meetings if the meeting intends to pay rent and have literature for new comers. Generosity of time in meetings is also important. I've often heard in meetings that the easiest way to be of service is to simply show up to meetings. But, ideally, meetings need more than this to stay healthy and function well. A healthy meeting also ideally has a GR (group representative) who generously gives of their time by attending area meetings and making sure info from WSO (World Service Office) gets to the meeting.
This is all well and good, but what does this have to do with my life? How do I practice these principles in all my affairs?
I've learned how to be generous in terms of the program, but how do I practice this in other areas of my life? Part of the answer for me is learning to trust my Higher Power and to know my boundaries.
Back story: Why did I even think of this topic? Before moving, I decided to throw myself a going away party. What struck me was how generous my wonderful friends were, new and old. I was struck also by the various types of generosity that were presented to me. Some friends offered to help me finish making food. One offered to do all the grilling. Some gave me gifts. But the best gifts I received was that they all showed up. I was struck by how generous my friends were with their time and more importantly themselves.
Through this I realized how ungenerous I can be on many different levels.
On one level, this is ok. I'm getting very good at taking care of myself. I make sure I am financially taken care of. I try my best to make sure I have the time to do the things I need to do (laundry, food, keeping my abode livable). But this leads me towards a path of isolation because I focus so much on making sure I am taken care of that I let my friendships falter. I am not very generous with my time with my friends. At least not to the level I would like to be.
While I'm not quite sure where I would like this post to end, it does leave me with much to think about in terms of what I really do need to do to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Perhaps I have been spending so much time on just a few of these that others have fallen sadly by the wayside. As an old friend would say, I can pray about this.
10.05.2008
I, like probably many people in Al-Anon, have issues around alcohol consumption. Not in the sense that I'm an alcoholic. But in that worrying sense that maybe I'll "turn into one".
This has made the past few weeks in my new locale a bit interesting. MANY people here drink. A lot. And while no one has been pouring drinks down my throat, I have felt a weird inner pressure that I too need to drink to have as much fun as they have been having. My problem comes in deciding where to draw the line. How much am I comfortable drinking? How do I feel about alcohol playing such a large part in my life after excluding it from my social scene for so long?
I have a lot of thinking to do.
This has made the past few weeks in my new locale a bit interesting. MANY people here drink. A lot. And while no one has been pouring drinks down my throat, I have felt a weird inner pressure that I too need to drink to have as much fun as they have been having. My problem comes in deciding where to draw the line. How much am I comfortable drinking? How do I feel about alcohol playing such a large part in my life after excluding it from my social scene for so long?
I have a lot of thinking to do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)