I have not been quiet here because I have stopped recovering or because I've stopped going to meetings. Quite the contrary. Although I haven't been going to butt loads of meetings, I'm still going regularly. I'm also regularly meeting with my new sponsor. Last week she and I did something interesting: we cleaned out my God can. It was an interesting experience. I felt very raw because of some of the stuff I shared. I shared everything with her that was in the can with the exception of a few pieces that were from before I was in recovery. I knew what they were when I pulled them out of the can, and couldn't bare to read them myself, let alone someone else. So God got to keep them. My sponsor was understanding. I floated for the next day or so. And Friday night I got the opportunity to burn what was cleaned out (thank you Julie for the used cookie sheet!). It felt good. And still painful. I burned an entire roll of film, pictures, negatives, envelope and all. It still makes me sad. I'm finding it hard to let go of some of it mentally.
In other news, I've been "diligently" working on my fourth step. Almost every section of the new Blue Print for Progress is typed out, I've answered most of what I could on a first go around. Now I'm in the process of going back, actually reading the intro to each section, and seeing if I can fill anything in. I finally have a black ink cartridge, so I might be ready soon to start printing some of this stuff.
I feel like I have so much sitting on my chest right now. I can finally understand at least some of the release that will come from sharing some of that stuff. But like I shared in a meeting and told my sponsor, I'm not afraid of being horrible or showing someone the bad stuff I've done. I'm afraid of not being enough. That my life hasn't been bad enough and that I don't "qualify" for Al-Anon. I most obviously do from many people. But it is still my fear. I'm looking forward to moving on from this stage of recovery. All I seem to feel lately is pain. And I've had enough.
