We had just left the church, the same church that she had gotten married in just a few years previous. The Susquehanna River was frozen pretty good too, just like at her wedding. I think I may have even sat in the same pew. And was just a few minutes late too, just like I was for her wedding.
We had gotten maybe 2 or 3 blocks, me driving. I hadn't stopped crying since we had arrived at the church. Especially since K had sang. And I just lost it. I knew in that moment that I couldn't drive any further. My grief was overwhelming, still is many days, and I just couldn't function any more. In that moment, I turned it over, said I couldn't drive. And three voices chorused back, that they could. In that moment I understood what it meant to turn something over and let go of the result. I didn't have to be in control of everything for every minute of every day.
Sometimes I wish my Higher Power had gentler ways of teaching me these things.
Sarah, I love you and will always miss you.
5.11.2008
5.01.2008
New Behavior, Old Behavior
I really want to explode right now. But I'm trying oh so hard not to. I don't want to explode, really. I want to do the next right thing, even if other people can't or won't.
I want to detach. I don't care about the with love part right now, I just want to detach. To truly realize that what other people think of me is none of my business.
I want to be secure in knowing that I am keeping my side of the street clean, even if the other side is a filthy mess.
I want to be professional and know that I've taken care of myself and have tried my hardest.
Most of all, I want to FEEL okay doing these things, because they are healthy things.
This is uncomfortable. This is new to me. New behavior is hard, especially when you don't know what to put in in place of the old behavior. I'm not even sure what my new behavior is. I just know that I don't want to do my old behavior. I'd like to have a bit of spiritual space between it and the healthy decisions I want to make.
Now if only I knew what my new healthy decisions should be. Because I'm getting dangerously close to the old behavior patterns that I'd like to leave behind.
I want to detach. I don't care about the with love part right now, I just want to detach. To truly realize that what other people think of me is none of my business.
I want to be secure in knowing that I am keeping my side of the street clean, even if the other side is a filthy mess.
I want to be professional and know that I've taken care of myself and have tried my hardest.
Most of all, I want to FEEL okay doing these things, because they are healthy things.
This is uncomfortable. This is new to me. New behavior is hard, especially when you don't know what to put in in place of the old behavior. I'm not even sure what my new behavior is. I just know that I don't want to do my old behavior. I'd like to have a bit of spiritual space between it and the healthy decisions I want to make.
Now if only I knew what my new healthy decisions should be. Because I'm getting dangerously close to the old behavior patterns that I'd like to leave behind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)