I'm having an emotional night. Last night was particularly hard too. PMS always catches me off guard. First I get ANGRY. Angry like my dad would get. So angry I scare myself. And then I get sad. Depressed. Full of despair that nothing will ever be right in the world again. And then I realize I'm getting my period. *sigh* At 30, this is something that I feel I should have already mastered. That somehow I've missed a vital instruction every other woman on this planet has been given. But me. And then I start realizing, hey, this happens every month! And that this too shall pass. I don't have anything to be ashamed of (SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything). These are my feelings, and I can have them, but they aren't facts. The world does suck sometimes, but many times it doesn't. Sometimes life is bleak, but many times it isn't. And really, in a few days, I'll feel "normal" again. Whatever that is.
I find it somewhat amazing to see how far I've come in 7 years. I truly have Marched Fourth. But I'm humbled to see how much I still have yet to learn. Humble: to be teachable. Unfortunately, in this moment, I am very unteachable. But at least with 7 years of work, I can see that. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Or not. Either way, it's ok.
Things I think I'm better at after 7 years:
-Knowing what I'm ok with. And not ok with.
-Sticking up for myself and asking for what I need.
-Being able to talk myself through more things that scare me.
-Taking chances on the unknown (and with that, some VERY BIG unknowns).
Things that I know I still need to work on:
-Not being scared of other people's anger. It still transports me back to being 12 and being extremely afraid.
-Realizing that I am more than enough most of the time. And when I'm not, that's ok too.
-Asking for what I need. And being ok when those I ask say no.
-Letting go of the past.
I make no claim that I have gotten here on my own, though there are certainly key people who have helped me along the way in various ways. And I know any forward movement will also come with the help of a great many people inside and outside the rooms of Al-Anon. This is 7 years of gratitude and hope.
