I have some very old tapes playing in my head tonight. I'm not quite sure when they were made, but they are very familiar. I almost wish I could transcribe them and include them as part of my fourth step. As further proof that I am my own worst enemy. That its what I tell myself that hurts me the most. These tapes... they make me afraid. They make me want to run and hide. From myself.
I find my fear paralyzing. The at least: at least I recognize that it is because of my fears that I do certain things. I sit paralyzed and play free cell. But at least these days I know that I sit playing free cell because I'm afraid of doing something. Why bother trying if I'm not going to succeed? What if I do succeed? But if I let myself be paralyzed by fear... I can't take the next right step.
I find myself fighting the "fairness". Its not fair that he's getting his due before I'm getting mine. But I also have to remind myself of all the crap he's gone through. And then realize that there is no reason to compare myself to him. His struggles are and have been, different from mine. I have my own battles to fight. Some I have won.
grad school
marriage
children
tears
success
failure
why can't i just be accepted and accept myself for exactly who i am, right now, as is?
what if i don't make it?
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