surrender is not suicidal

I really want to order the new grief book, but I also don't want to spend $7 on shipping for a $14 book. But no one around here seems to have it... Annoying.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly surround my higher power, who isn't always the same as God to me. Somehow when I think about it, it's like God and my Higher Power are two different entities, both of which I think (sometimes) exist. It's almost as if I think my Higher Power is my personal advocate, looking out for my interests. But God is something else removed from me, something that is also a Power greater than me, but different from my Higher Power. But perhaps more importantly, I don't think God has much care for me or my plight on this planet.

I started reading about step three because that feels like where I'm stuck. I came across these lines in "From Survival to Recovery" in the step three section:
-"Fear of surrendering the defenses that we managed to create during our formative years - after all they at least kept us alive - can make the third step appear quite perilous."
-"Slowly, little by little, we release our fierce grip on control and discover that surrender is not suicidal."

The third step in its entirety does seem quite perilous to me. I've managed this long, albeit in pain, why can't I just keep going? Maybe the pain will go away one day...
But I know if I want this program to really work for me, it doesn't work like this. I have to give up my illusion of control. And it does feel suicidal to me. I like being in control. I like at least to know what the plan is, whats going to happen, what will be done. It's hard for me to face life without that information because plans make me feel safe. They let me know what I can expect. And it's probably the unexpected that I dread. Because I haven't planned for it. That fear of the unknown is unremitting in me. How can I trust when that trust has been betrayed so many times in the past? How can I trust when I've been hurt so much in the past?

I know I need to let go, but I don't know how.