5 years

I've been meaning to post this all week, but just never got around to it.

I still remember the first night. It being the beginning of March, it was already dark at 8:30. I was unsure of what I was getting myself into. I knew I was miserable, but it seemed like I'd always been (even though I knew that wasn't true). My boyfriend's sponor's suggestion had been to give Al-Anon a try. His girlfriend was to meet me at the church. I later found out that she hadn't been able to find the church. I had, and have been coming back ever since.

To say the past five years have been a walk in the park would be a lie. I've often sat in meetings wondering what the hell I'm doing there. Not sure I belong. Or that I'll find my answer there. I still keep going back because although I won't find my answer there, I can find parts of it. Bits of understanding about why I behave the way I did.

And sitting here typing this I see connections with why I'm struggle with the thought of taking my seventh step. I've heard in meetings that our character defects are survival mechanisms that no longer serve us well. And that is part of my answer. My character defects aren't bad, they are just traits that are no longer helpful to me. But it's hard to let those things go. It's hard to realize that things I do that have helped me for so long are no longer good for me. It's hard to learn new habits.

If I listen to other people in the program, they remind me that I have changed in the past 5 years. I spontaneously led a meeting Friday night on my favorite reading from "From Survival to Recovery." One person who shared remarked that her favorite step two lead she'd ever heard was from me back around 2003 (I only remember this because I do remember the meeting, we were in the second floor of the church instead of the basement because Hurricane Isabel had flooded the basement). But it is people like her who remind me that I am getting better. Even tonight, when I'm migraine-y, a bit sore, a bit lonely and wishing allergy seasons wasn't starting, I know my life has gotten better. These days I don't plan my life around someone elses. I know that there are many people I can call, whether to talk to or ask them for help.

Part of this also comes to mind because of the pending change in my living situation, namely that I will most likely be moving quite far from where I live now. I've already decided that I will be throwing myself a big party and it strikes awe into me to realize how many people I know now. Not only has my list of 'friends' grown significantly from being in the program, but it's grown outside of that too because of my work in the program.

I guess tonights overarching message is one of hope. So many people have come before me in the program and gotten 'better', and now I am too. Little by little, one day at a time. Often one hour at a time I see the many options now available to me because of one night so many 24 hours ago.